Stuff Asian People Like

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2008-03-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

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The Stuff Asian People Like Blog can be found here:
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Thanks,
Peter.

P.S. We thank blogger for their hosting services, but unfortunately will not be updating this temporary site any longer. Godaddy sucks!

In the News!

2008-03-24T15:14:00.001-07:00

We were recently featured on the Boston Globe!

http://www.boston.com/ae/media/articles/2008/03/24/coffee_and_yoga_and_prius_and_juno/

#44 Fortune Cookies

2008-03-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Posted March 23rd, 2008 by Peter

Peter says:

“Fortune Cookie: A Chinese-American cookie into which has been folded a printed message predicting one’s fortune.” If you’ve ever wondered why an asian person gives you that hug or profound food for though, look no further. They’ve probably been eating at Lucky’s Chinese.

When people go to “fast food” type restaurants such as Panda Express or Pickup Stix, they are greeted by a familiar site: the Fortune Cookie. When full-blooded asians go to these restaurants, they, besides scoffing at the silly adornments, are appalled by the abomination. Why? It’s simply not asian. After extensive research, both Chinese and American food historians agree that the “fortune cookie” is in fact an American invention. That, however, doesn’t stop americanized asians from enjoying the fortune that could lie in their immediate futures because of a very obscure but accurate connection. Combining a random horoscopic message with a funny fact or proverb, this pleasant low-calorie dessert has cracked its way into the hearts of people everywhere. There are three main categories of messages that asians can receive from their fortune cookies:

1. Enlightening: These messages may tell asians winning lottery numbers or how to say “watermelon” in Chinese. They may also present obscure truths about obscure people from obscure lands that have obscure names. These fortune cookies, however, continue to expand an asian’s vocabulary and their knowledge of “King Fifth the Twelth twice removed from the throne of Canterbury.” Examples of enlightening fortune cookie messages may be: obvious, like “A warm smile is testimony of a generous nature.“ or thought-provoking: “If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” When asians receive these messages, they may re-think their current situations in life and be (next category) in the lives of people they know.

2. Inspiring: Have you ever wondered why asians are the best people to consult after a hard day at work? Asians aren’t born innately knowing Hammurabi’s Code, nor do they always know the right things to say. That’s where fortune cookies come into play. Asians love helping others by nature, no matter how gruesome their actions on the freeway. Asians are themselves inspired by some of the messages they receive in fortune cookies. That is why they, in turn, will pay them forward to their friends, family, and co-workers. Examples of inspiring messages include: “The smart thing is to prepare for the unexpected.” and “A scholars ink lasts longer than a martyrs blood.” Asians, for this reason, will tell you that “The smart thing is to prepare for the unexpected.”

3. Or just plain frightening: These messages will turn even jesterly Jackie Chan into the ill-fated Bruce Lee (comedy to tragedy). They can also, on the other hand, be the most comical ones out there (if you don’t take them too seriously). Asians always live on cloud nine, so it takes one of these reminders to bring them one cloud closer to earth. Of the more comical messages is, “Those weren’t chicken or chocolate ice cream you just ate.” Sometimes, the cookies may even hold a deeper and eerie meaning, as one of our members reports receiving, “You think it’s a secret, but it has never been one..” and the more frightening, “What you perceive as an innocent infatuation, the law will perceive as punishable up to 15 years in federal prison,” in succession. These messages are very hard to come by, and are usually found in more “americanized” restaurants that believe that using broken english and a wise asian accent are unimportant (even though they are).

Besides from their obvious qualities, fortune cookies may be equivalent of fortune tellers to asians, as they both are predictors of ensuing fortune and success. On a more obscure note, fortune cookies are also like asian immigrants.

“At the beginning of this century, San Francisco’s Chinatown was a ghetto, rife with the problems that plague any poor neighborhood. But by the 1930s, the neighborhood’s exotic image was being used to attract tourists. During that marketing effort, a restaurant created the fortune cookie for visitors who expected a dessert course that Chinese cuisine largely lacks.” - Fortune Cookies: No Ancient Chinese Secret

The fortune cookie’s image was developed slowly by viral marketing, much like many asians had to climb their respective social ladders to achieve what they have today. They endured the rockin’ twenties and the Great Depression. They single-handedly transformed China Town, San Francisco into what it is today. Asians love knowledge, motivation, and humor. They also love people and things that will ensure them brighter futures. The Fortune Cookie is all those things and more.

#43 Spring & Egg Rolls

2008-03-22T14:24:00.001-07:00

Posted March 22nd, 2008 by Peter

Peter says:

“Spring roll… An Asian-American appetizer made of crispdough wrapped around a filling of various ingredients such as vegetables, meat, shrimp, and seasonings. Sometimes synonymous with “egg roll,” it is considered somewhat more “authentic” and delicious than the latter. The name, which dates in English print to 1943, comes from the Chinese tradition of serving them on the first day of the Chinese New Year, which is also the first day of the lunar year’s spring.” -Encyclopedia of American Food and Drink

When asians get tired of accumulating copious amounts of vitamin B from rice and fish sauce, they turn to a very delectable treat that can only be described as, “the best invention since the chopstick.” Originally an invention of the Chinese, the Spring Roll, nowadays synonymous with the Egg Roll, is quite different from its distant cousin. Spring rolls are served fresh with thinner rice paper, while Egg Rolls are made with, you guessed it, egg-glazed rice paper. Since 1985, when America popularized it, this treat has gained so much precedence that I will, from this moment on, refer to is as “her Springness.”

Egg Roll (top) and Spring Roll (bottom)

Asians love this voluptuous woman for the following reasons:

Delectability: Her Springness is a mixture of the best boiled shrimp, steamed pork, vermicelli noodles, lettuce, and herbs wrapped by a soft or crunchy rice-paper shell (depending on preference). She is usually served as in hors d’oeuvres, along with chow mein and the infamous “flied lice.” No asian can resist her mixture of meat and herbs, as she has become paraded around during asian festivities more times than the Pope has walked the Vatican.

Portability: Her Springness may be larger than an oreo or fig bar, but she quite dynamic. Asians kidnap her from dinner parties, birthdays, graduations, even funerals. Much like her loyal servants, she is forced into suspended animation in the refrigerator until her new masters are hungry. When this occurs, she can either be thawed or re-fried, once again bringing her back to power over asian taste buds.

Versatility: Her filling can be meat or vegetarian, economical or rich. If she is Fujianese, she will have very exotic fillings such as carrots, shredded cabbage, or leeks. Her Shanghai-ese counterpart will have a diversity of fillings including bamboo shoots. Her Cantonese cousin, however, has traveled overseas and is now known in the West as “Egg Roll.” Some asians think of her as “the best of Spring Rolls” for her widespread popularity and deliciousness.

“Her Springness” has a vast amount of family around the world, each incorporating a bit of its country into its ingredients. The Chinese believe in the merit and charm of eating her “undressed.” The Vietnamese, on the other hand, love to wrap her with soft lettuce, basil and mint. They will also drench her in glorious fish sauce to enhance her appearance and taste.

“Like many Vietnamese dishes, eating it this way resonates with layers of flavors and textures - the crispy vegetables and fish sauce with the crunchy spring roll…”

Let’s get back to reality. Asians everywhere love the Spring Roll and Egg Roll for their delectability, portability, and versatility. They have become a staple commodity at all asian fast food stores and even some higher class restaurants. So much so, that Wolfgang Puck has incorporated and mutilated them in one of his “Asian Fusion” recipes. They are also portable, as asians everywhere bring them home to their friends and families. Lastly, they are quite versatile. Everywhere they go, Spring/Egg Rolls gain new and better qualities. Asians know that there is nothing better than rice, but the Spring/Egg Roll comes in at a close second.

Here’s a video tutorial on How to Make Spring Rolls:

Download video!

#42 Final Fantasy

2008-03-21T22:57:00.002-07:00

Posted March 21st, 2008 by avaliant

Despite their parents’ constant nagging to stop wasting time, video games are popular among Asian Youths. Take one quick look at a typical Asian’s game collection, and you are likely to see at least one version of Final Fantasy, Super Mario, and probably many more similar style RPGs (role playing games).

Just like with every other form of pop entertainment that Asians enjoy, they will completely and utterly obsess over it. Although Final Fantasy is generally popular in “nerd culture,” Asians find ways to take it to another level. They will load their iPods with in-game music and learn how to play it on the piano, or post drawings of game characters (all done in the anime style with correct anatomical measurements of course). However, the most devoted fans will dress up in costumes of their favorite characters, complete with weapons and accessories: a phenomenon known as cosplay. For some reason, cosplay is wildly popular in Japan, although it is hardly limited to that country.

Previously mentioned in post #7, Anime, “There is a wonderful anime fanbase and following” who will dress up and go to Anime Expos with their friends. One of our members mentions being pinched and prodded all day long by girls dressed in japanese school attire. Asians will go to great lengths to achieve these transformations in order to look like their favorite game characters. Where else do you think they get the spiky hair idea from?

So why is Final Fantasy so popular among Asians? The repetitive nature of the combat and character advancement plays well to the Asian tendency toward OCD (Post #28). Likewise, the numeric and predictable methods for “leveling up” characters satisfies the Asian need for a sense of accomplishment. Just like grades or paychecks, RPGs offer a set of numeric based awards that are given almost entirely as a function of time invested and hard work. Asians crave these rewards the same way alcoholics crave their liquor. This combination of game elements means that Final Fantasy is a game made by Asians, for Asians; a veritable window into the Asian soul.

#41 Eye Enlargement

2008-03-21T22:57:00.001-07:00

Posted March 20th, 2008 by everydayasian · 1 Comment

Fact: Asian women think that their eyes are ugly. They will go to many lengths to change the appearance of their eyes, from high-maintenance temporary alterations to more expensive and permanent options. So much so, that every Asian person has at least one sister, mother, aunt, grandmother, or friend who has tried to change their eyes.

The most common things Asian women change are their “lids.” Asian eyelids usually have a single fold (otherwise known as a monolid), whereas Caucasian eyelids have “double folds.” It is this “double fold” that Asian women spend most their lives coveting.

Young girls often start off with cheap and easily accessible apparatuses for achieving double-fold eyelids: tape or glue. Using these tools, asians, with the help of some adhesive and plastic tools, make possible this “pleat” in their own skin. During their teenage years, Asian girls learn about this from an older sister or cousin. They will also develop the asian stare at this age, which will allow them to strike fear into the hearts of people everywhere. The Asian Stare heavily contributes to the enlarging of an asian’s eyes because it requires asians to expose as much of their irises as possible. It will also prepare them for motherhood, where the asian stare will keep their children from going out with friends *gasp*. With repeated use, the Asian Stare will cause a noticeable increase in iris radius, bringing asians one step closer to having eyes as wide as wet noodles.

These days, there is a relative newcomer in the world of Asian eye fake-outs: the circle lense. Circle lenses were made popular in Korea before the trend spread to other Asian countries and is slowly making its way to the United States. “Circle Lenses” are like colored contact lenses, except the colored portion is larger than a person’s actual iris. The reasoning is that making their irises appear larger makes asian eyes look bigger. The effect is more dramatic than folding their eyelids, and can sometimes be rather cartoon-like (look at all the anime characters). Asians may even freak people out by getting designs on their lenses, much like Michael Jackson did to the world when he turned white.

Does eye enlargement sound ridiculously strange to you, or are you a woman who finds this so appealing that you have to try it right now? Click Here to check out the many Youtube tutorials about how to glue your eyes. As asian women approach their 20’s or their high school/college graduations, they opt for plastic surgery so that they don’t have to use glue or tape everyday. Eyelid surgery is probably the most common plastic surgery for Asian women for this reason.

So why do asian women spend so much time and money trying to change their eyes? Somewhere along the way, they were given the message that Caucasian is what’s normal, and that it is preferable to have more White features. Flip through an Asian beauty or fashion magazine and if you look closely, the majority of models have done something to their eyes or noses to make them look more White. This is true whether the magazine is for Asian Americans or for old timers. Compact that with the globalization of Japanese cartoon characters, who all have eyes the size of tennis balls (sometimes even larger). School girls live their lives dreaming that they can become the next Sakura (cardcaptors) or Sailor Moon (Sailor Moon).

White beauty standards put pressure on Asian women even when they’re in their home countries (which is sad and doesn’t make much sense). For you Asian-American women who read beauty mags and never understand the part where they say “apply eyeshadow to the crease” - I suggest you check out the book Asian Faces where you can learn makeup techniques that show, not hide, your differences. Until then, there is no denying that Asians love to make their eyes look bigger.

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2008-03-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

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#40 White Girls

2008-03-20T20:18:00.002-07:00

March 20, 2008 · 1 Comment
Posted March 19th, 2008 by Peter · 5 Comments

Peter says:

Before we begin, if you haven’t read the overarching Post #26, check it out before reading this post or any posts for that matter. Then you’ll get why this whole white guys, white girls, white people business. Thanks! Now on with the talk: Asian guys love girls. Sure, there are plenty of asian girls to go around, but in recent years, a threatening epidemic has raged throughout suburban areas all over the United States.

Have you ever wondered why asian girls can date white guys, but it’s rare to see an asian guy with a white girl? This isn’t because asian guys are not attracted to white girls. On the contrary, white girls are many times the secret fantasy of any Twinkie. No, this is not a partially-hydrogenated pastry, but the asian guy who has a bunch of white friends and does the things white guys do. There’s one problem: He’s stuck in an asian body. Twinkies can be compared to a single kitten growing up in the midst of puppies. Twinkies feel like they are puppies because they are enculturated and they like what other puppies like, including the female dogs. Due to this immersion, Asians end up adopting white beauty standards. (but the same isn’t reciprocated by white girls.)

The fact of the matter is that most white girls do not even see asian guys as “dateable.” They would rather ask them for help with math homework, gaming tips, or fashion advice. They wouldn’t ever want an intimate relationship, leaving one lingering question: What causes this white obsession?

The media has a greater influence on asians than they want to admit. The minute asians turn on the tube, out pops all they need to know about being “hot,” “cool,” and “hip.” They also find considerable beauty in large eyes, a thinner pointed nose, a longer face, and fair skin. An increasing amount of asian pop stars are even having surgery to look more like this. However, these are distinctly Caucasian beauty standards. Why else are white males so exciting?

They’re more exotic and promiscuous. But then again, who says that asian guys aren’t exciting? Who wouldn’t want to have a lobster dinner, talk about current events, AND finish their Advanced Calculus Homework (all the while getting their computer reformatted) during the same date? Asian guys sure know how to live it up!

Asian guys would also love to date a white girl, but can’t. White guys, on the other hand, love to date asian women and can. There are immense differences in preferences and motivation among these genders. When asian guys talk about “Bleach” to white girls, they immediately think “hair product,” before they realize the guy is talking about that book he is reading from right to left (manga). When asian guys talk about meeting after school, it isn’t to make out. It’s to finish up a school project. Asian guys just seem too nerdy.

There is hope: Culture is constantly changing. It still turns heads when we see an asian guy with a white girl, but American-born asian guys just seem a bit more “cool” than they used to be. Movies like Harold and Kumar go to White Castle overturn stereotypes by having asian guys star in stoner films.

What usually happens to asian guys, however, is not that they get white girls, but that their tastes start to change. Though asians’ environments shape early inclinations, their thoughts start to change as they continue to develop as people. Some asians will realize that their love for white girls is only a far-fetched dream during an awkward stage in life. Others will continue their pursuit and ultimately fail, but some will succeed. These asians prove that: Asian Guys most definitely like White Girls.

Written by BananaBoy and Peter.

#39 Glasses

2008-03-20T20:18:00.001-07:00

March 20, 2008 · No Comments
Posted March 19th, 2008 by sy88 · 6 Comments

Yes, that suspicion you had was true: Asians are nerds. Asians also squint a lot (That’s why they have slanted eyes). Combine those 3 common characteristics: nerdy, squinty, slanty; and you have the reason that so many asians wear glasses (including yours truly).

Okay, okay… so not all Asians are short-sighted or far-sighted, and one could argue that quite a few Asians try to hide or amend their shortcomings with fashion-savvy alternatives to vision correction such as contact lenses or laser eye surgery. But let’s face it: Asians are not the most fashion-savvy people in the world. The concept of fashion trends was created by the white man, namely the French. Asians believe their duty as Asians is to be non-conformist when it comes to contact lenses and buck the trend towards laser eye surgery. Therefore, the only logical solutions are glasses or spectacles.

Asians remember a more innocent time: When their mothers told them off for sitting too close to the television. Or perhaps it was from playing too many computer games. I mean, just look at Post #15, god knows Asians love their video games. Regardless, Asian parents constantly warn their children that all those colorful, flashing images jumping around inches from their eyeballs will mess up their future vision capabilities. Asian parents’ teachings are always vindicated at the onset of puberty.

It’s been scientifically proven that glasses lower attractiveness level tenfold (Asian males are a living testament to this). Yes, glasses allow Asians to pursue their love of #3 – academia more successfully, but that darn accessory immediately decreases an Asian male’s attractiveness to the other sex. (Yes white women, I’m looking your way). But asian ladies fear not: glasses merely give them that ‘sexy librarian’ look (or at least the Asian equivalent). As the guys on ‘Stuff White People Like’ can attest to (as per #12 on that list), asians will always appear attractive to white guys, so at least they always have that! So in effect, glasses are a hindrance to one Asian gender, but a benefit to the other. (Gender equality, you gotta love it!)

What it all boils down to in the end is genetics. Those slanty Asian eyes don’t quite operate as they should. That’s why Asians love anime: Characters usually have mesmerizing, huge, and doughy eyes. It’s an Asian desire to have eyes comparable to their beloved anime characters. As this dream cannot be realized in real life (not even by plastic surgery *michael jackson*), asians have to live with the reality of their eyes. Mother Nature doesn’t, unfortunately, favor asians.

So, to the Asian guys and girls who proudly don chunks of rim and metal around their eyes, I pose these questions:

Guys, do you wanna end up looking like this glasses-wearing man?

(Dalai Lama)

Girls, do you want to follow in the footsteps of this groovy spec-eyed chick?

(Yoko Ono)

Whatever the choice, you can satisfy yourself with the fact that you’ll either be able to reach spiritual enlightenment or marry a white guy that will revolutionize music. That is, if you’re an Asian that wears glasses…

#38 White Guys

2008-03-20T20:17:00.001-07:00

March 20, 2008 · No Comments
Posted March 18th, 2008 by Skunkgal · No Comments

Asian chicks dig white guys. Somewhere in the midst of the pseudo-nationalistic indoctrination our well-meaning parents inflict upon us, we ladies stop paying attention and allow tall(er), skinny, white boy engineers to steal our hearts.What’s up with the race treason? One theory: They love us. Asian fetish, yellow fever. Whatever you call it, there’s plenty of literature out there telling white men that we slant-eyed princesses are the exotic, submissive, and hypersexualized women of their dreams.This post, however, is not about why white guys live in a delusional fantasy world. It’s a dissertation on why, despite the tawdry roots of our suitors’ affection, we just eat it up. One economist says it’s because Asian women are the least discriminatory female demographic (second-to-last paragraph)– that “the white man-Asian woman pairing was the most common form of interracial dating … because of the women’s neutrality, not the men’s pronounced preference.”

Uh, ok. Whatever. What about our strict fathers and sheltered childhoods. Plus, we all saw how well that John Lennon/Yoko Ono thing worked out. And we can’t resist everything white men have to offer–and no, I’m not talking about that. White men indulge our deepest PDA-fantasies; they hold our hands, they aren’t terribly cerebral about their emotions, and they will–heaven forbid–tell their parents that we’re actually dating. Asian parents don’t do any of that gross hand-holding, making-out stuff. Asian boys learned the lesson; girls, not so much.

Lastly, if you think this is all a pile of BS, we all can admit one tangible reason the Asian/white pairing works so well. God knows all we want are highly attractive children, and halfie babies are so damn cute.

Written by Skunkgal

#37 Piano & Violin

2008-03-20T20:16:00.002-07:00

March 20, 2008 · 2 Comments
Posted March 17th, 2008 by YASPY Chick · 1 Comment

Asian parents always want to refine their children. This includes enrolling them in music lessons at a very young age until about the beginning of high school. But not just any kind of music lessons: piano or violin “edification.” (At times, flute is acceptable too.) These instruments symbolize, to many Asians, the epitome of refinement. It isn’t too different from the English during the Regency and Victorian periods when a young middle class woman’s ability to play piano was a sign of her sophistication. This asian refinement is a sign of accomplishment because the asian parents are able to “afford” these frills. The children, due to their parents constant struggle to show other parents up, are forced to take these lessons.

The piano is considered by asians as the core instrument that one learns in order to first understand the essentials of music. Why? In order to successfully know how to play piano, asians must know how to read both the treble and bass clefs. That means understanding the intricacies of a whole other language at the ripe age of 3, which in turn, allows most asian children to comprehend how to efficiently use their left and right brain hemispheres at an earlier age. Do you ever wonder why asian children are so gifted mathematically and spatially? That’s your answer. Asians will also enroll their children in musical classes to serve the community.

For Asian-Christian families, the ability to play piano means that the child can have his or her turn at “performing” during church services. That way, Mrs. Chung can brag (more on bragging below) to everyone that it’s her Jenny out there playing “‘Praise My Soul’ like an angel.” The accolades don’t end in the congregation hall. That’s why pianos are, most importantly, expensive. To have one in the living room is a subtle (in an asian sense) way of telling everyone that the Asians are keeping up with the “Joneses” (or the Wongs).

In asian circles, piano is the choice instrument, followed very closely by the violin. The violin is often a preference because it’s small and portable, great for young children. Asian kids start private music lessons as kindergarteners (before they start learning how to use chopsticks, but after they start their introductory calculus lessons), or even while in pre-school (I had my first piano lesson just before my 4^th birthday)! The sound it makes is very soft and smooth when playing strictly classical music (a proper Asian kid does NOT fiddle). The violin, like piano, is also more likely to be a “star” instrument, which will more times than none draw more attention to the child’s parents.

To Conservative Asians, most other instruments are a no-no. Especially brass instruments and instruments associated with bands and more popular music. To Asian parents, instruments such as trombones, saxophones, trumpets, percussive drums, guitar (especially ELECTRIC GUITAR) are blasphemous. Asian parents don’t want their child to risk becoming evil rock musicians! Asian kids must be proper. They must be able to play the kind of music that can be heard at church or when family friends visit. They must be able to read at a 5^th grade level before they are potty-trained. And most importantly, they must learn how to heckle with other children when trading lunches in order to achieve the most economical utility.

Note from Author: Acceptable instruments other than piano and violin include: flute, clarinet, oboe, cello (only after Yo-Yo Ma became a big star), and vocal ensembles. (At my middle and high schools, the flute sections at ensembles were overwhelmingly Asian while brass instruments were white.) The guitar is allowed after the age of 18, when children are legal adults and want to play sad songs about how the girl in Multi-Quantum Physics isn’t digging their outfit or accepting their invitations to buy boba (but let’s save that for a later post).

#36 Aging Cookware

2008-03-20T20:16:00.001-07:00

March 20, 2008 · No Comments
Posted March 16th, 2008 by avaliant · 2 Comments

Asians love food, and they absolutely love home-cooked food, all the better with many family and friends around the table. This means, by extension, that Asians love cooking, even if they do not partake of the activity themselves. However, one thing that Asian people absolutely do not love is cooking with modern kitchen appliances.

The true Asian chef will use only a knife and cutting board to prepare their meal. This is ironic, because of the many different types of cuisine in the world, the various Asian cuisines almost scream for the use of a food processor. Garlic must be minced into pieces as small as possible, beef sliced paper-thin, and carrots cut into thin strips; the list goes on. Name an Asian dish, and there will be at least three ways a food processor will help (Note, please do not send me recipes to try and prove this statement false. I really don’t care). This is almost invariably true because most Asian dishes require: a) minced garlic, b) chopped/minced onions/spring onions/ginger and c) some kind of slicing.

But the true Asian chef must resist any urges to go and use such a device. Rather, they practice their craft with only cutting board and knife; preferably a large Chinese style cleaver, one of those weirdly shaped Japanese knives, or a western style chef’s knife. If asians need to cut something small, they don’t get another knife; instead, they simply use the large knife, but more carefully. If the asian happens to own other knives (as parts of sets or gifts), they will remain, for the most part, untouched in their drawers, ready to be gifts for other people.

What about the rest of the kitchen? The Asian chef’s kitchen may contain an assortment of various pots and pans, purchased or received at one point. Like the knives, most of them will remain untouched for years. Because Asians absolutely loathe throwing away useful things (future post), these items will build up over the years. However, certain items will be used meal after meal: a large pot for soup/porridge, a steamer, a rice cooker (of course). But perhaps the crown jewel of the Asian kitchen is the wok. Almost everything in an Asian person’s stomach at one point was conceived in a wok.

Where does this aversion to kitchen appliances come from? Is it a matter of cultural pride? Or perhaps it is the immigrant’s desire to make at least one part of the household similar to that of his home country. Is preparing food by hand really better than using a food processor? The answer to these questions is best left to an anthropology or Asian studies major. Either way, Asian cooking proves that some of the best meals do not need fancy tools to make.

#35 Peace Sign

2008-03-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Posted March 15th, 2008 by Peter · 3 Comments

You know you’ve seen it, and you know you’ve wondered why asian people use it so often. All asians: Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, and (Insert Asian Ethnicity)-ese have utilized this sign in pictures from the time of the 1972 Sapporo Winter Olympics, where an embarrassed Janet Lynn raised it up in victory after falling on her rump. This phenomenon, from that moment, spread faster than a Windows Vista virus because the Japanese Media plastered it on every poster and television advertisement. (Before that, Americans used it to signal “V” -ictory during WWII, but the Japanese seldom used it as a peace sign.)

“So what is this mysterious V-sign? Is it truly the universal sign for “peace”? A secret sign adopted by a global underground Asian cult who’s mission is to become the next super-race? Or perhaps an ancient math puzzle developed by the monks of the Shaolin Temple?” -FOBSPOT

The truth lies in asian culture, where people are notably shy and outspoken. They have no other means of expressing their happiness, other than a smile, because everyone knows even an asian smile can be mistaken for their chinky eye lining. To show that they are indeed happy, asians outline their grinning chins with a “V” sign to draw attention away from their non-existant eyes. They also wouldn’t ever want to yell something while taking a picture because it would draw more attention to them. However, Asians are always stoked when a photo opp arises. In these situations, asians, instead of using America’s ludicrously awkward phrase, “Cheese,” will use the peace sign to show that they are indeed present in the photograph. By present, I mean enthusiastic and excited about being in someone else’s life story. This is due in part to the Asian love for emotional-understanding and inciting reactions (later post).

That’s why Stuff Asian People Like’s Peter Nguyen went straight to the source this Saturday (China Town) to find out the truth about the Peace Sign. Though many refused to answer (or simply didn’t know how to), there were a myriad of explanations. One such responder, who’s face lit up with joy when asked, was very accommodating and said that the peace sign was ubiquitous with “Being Number One, Victory,” or in Japan, “Ichiban!” She proceeded to demonstrate various positions in which the sign would mean different things. The funny thing is that she was making hamster noises in every which position to emphasize the importance of placement. For example, a “V” sign in front of the face means that the asian is very egotistical and wants to draw the most attention possible to themselves. However, a lower-third peace sign around the abdomen region means that they are more reserved, and don’t want to overshadow others in the picture. Side-ways in front of the eyes is most definitely an older asian’s 80’s statement.

The previous explanation was extremely thorough, but one little feline has most spurred on the globalization of the peace sign: Hello Kitty. Not just Hello Kitty, but all her Sanrio friends, anime/manga series, and commercial television have made the peace sign popular among school girls and in some cases, boys. (Batz Maru, Pochocco, and Pekkle are not female characters). Even though the fingers are non-existent in some cases, this pose has caused a revolution in which children think it’s necessary to raise peace signs to look cute and innocent. The sign lives on today as the residual of a more innocent time in which kids didn’t grow up with computers and instead drew pictures of their favorite cartoon characters.

It started out as a victory and peace statement. It later became a way for an olympian to divert attention from herself (by using a local gesture) after suffering an extremely embarrassing fall. It rode the immigrant train into the Americas, where asian people have diversified it and turned it into a cultural phenomenon. The Peace Sign is definitely something that Asians like because it’s one of the first global habits that is purely “asian.”

#34 Fish Sauce

2008-03-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

Posted March 14th, 2008 by Peter · 2 Comments
364 views

Southeastern Asians know of a fountain of youth that not only never runs dry, but protects whoever accesses it. To non-asians, it’s an anomaly. To asians, who know its secrets, fish sauce is a staple export and seasoning.

“Peee-You…” If you have ever been to a Vietnamese restaurant, you will be able to remember two main seasonings: the jet black soy sauce and its more distant cousin: Fish Sauce. Asians love the pungent taste of fish sauce and use it whenever possible. A staple in Southeastern Asian cuisine, it is a good substitute for salt and sodium in many dishes. Many Chinese (Cantonese), Thai, and Vietnamese cuisines rely heavily on Fish Sauce to provide that extra zing that it gives. Remember that this zing must be provided over 365 days a year to bowls of rice in many asian countries.

Like rice, Fish Sauce is a good source of vitamin B and protein. It is ironically made from — surprise, surprise — salted fish! In addition to being a valuable cooking ingredient, fish sauce also doubles as a dipping sauce for everything from vegetables and seafood, to spring rolls and rice cakes. Due to its varying consistency, some asians even call it “fish gravy.” In Vietnam, it is known as “nuoc mam,” and in Thailand, “nam pla.” It also comes in many brands, including squid, fish, and crab. (Contrary to common belief, the popular Squid Brand fish sauce does in fact contain no squid.) The average asian is even able to tell if it’s been used in a dish or not, showing the importance it has to asians around the world. (It is one of the many asian traits that make up for lack of stature.)

Though its uses are numerous, many still find it difficult to bare the “horrible” smell. The reasons that most asians can stand the smell are:

Long Shelf Life: It’s 102 degrees inside and 120 outside. You are sweating enough to wash a car and dry it with your own shirt. Imagine trying to preserve salt in a hot and humid environment and highly-questionable sanitary living conditions. This is the situation in Southern Vietnam during the winter. Asians know what will happen if they purchase salt. They teach it to their children and they teach it to their children. Here’s the correct answer!: It would most definitely spoil, leaving the asians without sodium to fuel their “high-blood pressure” diets. Enter fish sauce, which is instead stored in a bottle with a cap in order to preserve its freshness. It’s an innovation that has allowed asians everywhere to season their food without the hassle of salt. I haven’t even mentioned the number of precious salt morsels lost during the transferral process because asians hate wasting food, down to the very last grain. Why pay for bad salt when an asian only has to endure some reeking aroma. Another important reason for utilizing fish sauce is:

Protection: When non-asians penetrate the glass windows of an asian restaurant, there is a secondary defense mechanism that keeps the asians from being bothered. This aura spans about a 4 meter radius from its center of tastiness. It is only until the bottle is closed, or the sauce is assimilated that it subsides. Fish sauce not only helps asians enjoy their food, it is a way to keep non-asians from harrassing them about their family recipes. “What’s this made of? It’s fabulous!!” Much like a skunk, fish sauce holds the ability to release an odor in order to protect its asian master’s recipes from being mimicked. When non-asian eat delectable asian dishes, they always ask about the “secret ingredient.” Asians always answer, “Fish sauce,” which more times than none turns the person off faster than a picture of goatse. Asians know that it is they and only they that can withstand the putrid stench. This leaves non-asians at a loss when they are around it. As a result, asians benefit, because the smell allows asians to enjoy their meals without constantly being bothered when they are at restaurants.

If you want to try out some fish sauce this upcoming weekend, enter any Vietnamese restaurant. Here’s a guide to prepare yourself for the rush of pleasure that will ensue after seasoning your dish with fish sauce. First of all, forget all your preconceived notions of smell. You must carry a blank slate of smell before you can fully enjoy fish sauce. Secondly, add varying amounts of fish sauce to test its consistency and taste. Third, take it like a man! Asians expect you to gag at the sight and smell. You don’t want to make a bad impression. If all goes well, congratulations. You have lived your life in the shoes of an asian person for one day, and earned yourself the right to, for practical and defensive reasons, Love Fish Sauce.

#33 Jet Li & Bruce Lee

2008-03-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Posted March 13th, 2008 by avaliant · 8 Comments

Without exception, every Asian male under the age of 25 has at one point idolized Jet Li, and if they are old enough (or watch older movies), Bruce Lee. In dojos and college campus martial arts groups across the country, thousands of young Asian men train regularly in order to become the next great martial artist. But aside from being martial arts practitioners, these two actors/martial artists have captured the hearts of Asians everywhere.
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Jet Li, and to a lesser extent due to age, Bruce Lee movies are extremely popular among Asians. As soon as a new Jet Li martial arts flick comes out (especially if it is directed by a Chinese director and produced in China, think Hero or Fearless), even elderly Asian parents will consider it an acceptable form of entertainment in social situations. Of course the film will be watched on a disc of questionable origin that was purchased in Asia somewhere and brought back by the last relative that traveled there (who goes out to theaters?). But great care must be taken when discussing Jet Li with true martial arts enthusiasts. Being a fan of Jet Li’s more recent Chinese produced films is okay, but it is considered amateurish at the best to hold in high regard any of Jet Li’s American films such as Kiss of the Dragon or The One. True martial arts snobs will insist that only his older Chinese films such as Once Upon a Time in China or, I should say, Wong Fei Hung have any merit.

So why are Bruce Lee and Jet Li revered especially among Asian males? Because they represent the hope that any Asian male can become one of the baddest mofo’s in history had they simply dedicated their childhood to training rather than studying. Yao Ming (see basketball) also to a lesser extent represents this hope. But not everyone can be born seven feet tall with a soft hook shot. Quick note: why doesn’t Jackie Chan also fit this role? After all, isn’t he a popular martial artist/actor? Although it is true that Jackie Chan is a certifiable badass, his movies, while enjoyable, contain too much comedic element to intimidate sufficiently. Accordingly, Jet Li and Bruce Lee alone represent the everyman, the great hope that even though “I might have a bowl haircut, wire-frame glasses, and letter in debate and math team instead of football, I could have been one of the most feared men in the world.”

#32 Speaking Loudly

2008-03-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

Posted March 12th, 2008 by Peter · No Comments

“My Mom always talks too loud on the cellphone when we are on the car!” -thaimychu

At first glance, asians are very shy and docile. When you get to know an asian, they are still very reserved and well-composed. Dig deeper, however, and you will find that asians are very loud (contrary to common belief). Experiencing this takes an activating event to trigger the “other side” of the average asian person. This other side is rarely seen unless you spend a LOT of time with them. Asian people speak loudly mostly because of:

Adversity: For example, the average asian man or woman looks very peaceful in their natural habitat. It is adversity that causes them to evolve into creatures only mentioned in legends and books such as Beowulf. This includes getting cut off, early project deadlines at work, or even learning that their child got an A- on their “mast” test. This whole other personality is marked by rudeness, frankness, and most annoying, speaking loudly.

Asians speak loudly to show that they are stressed out: “Then how are they different from other people?” They have the ability to express it in many ways. An asian person might throw in curses from their own language to demonstrate how stressed out they are. They won’t stop there. They might even add curses from their friends’ languages and even start cursing in asian-sounding languages that they don’t even know! But you don’t know that.

Asians do not only speak loudly when agitated. This is also seen when asians are speaking on their cellphones. When was the last time you saw an asian woman on her cellphone chewing out the person on the other line? The fact of the matter is that she was probably calling her son to ask if he wanted rice or rice for dinner (not a typo). Asians will never call frivolously due to fear of racking up overage charges. The content of their phone calls is usually very important due to this, so they cannot be ignored. Asians love to be heard. They will not tolerate having any part of their conversations cut short.

In addition, older asians do not understand the “wireless” aspect of phones. They believe that even though cellphones are far away from their receiving stations, there is still an invisible cord that loses its fidelity the further they get away from home. Likewise, Asians will speak increasingly louder in order to reach their desired receivers. This is why asians will speak louder in public places. The walls and ceiling cause them to panic about having to call again (higher phone bills). They in turn raise their internal volume in order to be heard by the other person much like a baby deprived of attention calls for its mama.

When younger asian women are in public places, another problem arises:

According to Stuff White People Like, White people have an “Asian Fetish.” “Do you want to go out with me?” says a white man. “Heck no!” (But this will give away that the asian knows English). Why not start yelling in other asian languages to start a scene? That’s the case when an asian person attends a multicultural event that other asians are also attending. When other asians hear loud yelling in “Asian,” they raise their non-existent eyebrows and immediately offer their help in order to keep the status quo (National Treasure reference). This help comes in the form of, “Are you trying to take advantage of this foreign exchange student?” or “She’s with me.” Asians obviously have a great amount of response flexibility due to the obliviousness of the offenders. This tactic scares away the “predator” and allows the asian to enjoy the rest of their night.

Asians often masquerade as being shy (save for later topic) in their native countries. In the United States, where the shackles of communism are lifted, they are allowed to express their opinions and feelings in any way they choose. This rightfully includes speaking loudly when they are in trouble, when they are on their cell phones, when they are in awkward situations, or with their academically mal-performing children. For these reasons and more, forget the megaphones! Asians like Speaking Loudly.

#31 Rice

2008-03-20T19:50:00.002-07:00

Posted March 11th, 2008 by Peter · 12 Comments
332 views

It’s been a long time coming, but following our 30th Post Anniversary of Stuff Asian People Like, we cordially bring you an entry about the one thing asians are truly synonymous with: Rice. Get Ready, it’s a doozy!

For the longest time, Asians have “ got rice.” Ever since Tai Mai Shu’s song debut, the notion for “Asian Pride” has swept through the nation. No longer can an asian person be seen in a different light than rice. Asians and rice have become a single entity. However, this bond has existed for thousands of years. This staple crop has grown in favor due to its:

1. Diet & Nutritional Value: Even though modern science depicts rice as fattening and full of starch, asians know that rice is a source of nourishment due to its Fiber, Complex Carbohydrates, and Vitamin B and E content. In addition, the common misconception that brown rice is better is false because white rice is 98% digestible compared to brown rice’s 80% (asiarice.org). With a balanced intake of white rice, one does not have to worry about getting fat. However, brown rice contains less carbohydrates which are broken down into sugar so it would better for our parents with diabetes to eat. The moderately high caloric count of rice supplements the lack of calories in asian foods. In Vietnamese food, for example, which originates from an area known for its lush vegetation, most foods barely break the 100 calorie mark per serving. Compare this to a Burger King hamburger, which is 290 calories per serving. Think about all those tubby asian kids running around. (Oh wait, there are none…)

2. Versatility: Combine the speed of Kobe Bryant, strength of Shaquille O’Neal, grace of Michelle Kwan, and ingenuity of Wolfgang Puck: and you will get rice. Rice has many attributes that have made it a well sought-after commodity to Asians as well as Westerners and Europeans. Asians hate cooking when it leads nowhere. That’s why asians cook rice. “It’s easy to prepare, it’s highly flexible, and it is able to absorb flavors while retaining its texture,” says one of our experts on food. Rice dishes can easily be made sweet, sour, tangy, savory, or even sweet. When combined with milk and sugar, rice becomes a luscious creamy pudding for all to enjoy. Along with this, rice has no fat, salt, or sugar. Instead, rice is highly nutritious, which allows it to be preferred by all asians and eaten by over half of the world’s population two to three times a day. No wonder why rice has been called “the pasta of the 90s.” (move over, Italy!)

3. Growability: The “quintissencial” local food, most rice is consumed within about eight miles of where it is grown. If rice is consumed within an 8 mile radius, this means that there are about 896,765 rice plantations in Asia alone. Worldwide, it accounts for over 30-70 percent of some diets and is consumed at 200-500 pounds per year. Rice is a godsend to asians because it can be grown basically anywhere there is an irrigated field. Conversely, McDonalds’ is a deathsend to America, causing people to develop high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes.

4. Preferences: Asians often argue about the “correct” way to cook rice. This will involve disputes over boiling, baking, roasting, frying, or even pressure cooking it. To quickly prepare rice, every asian house has one or two automatic rice cookers. This is a must in every asian household! When asians enter houses without rice cookers, they immediately feel the need to throw up the previous night’s dinner in order to re-experience its savory goodness. This occurs because asians do not waste food. Leftovers quickly become the main attractions of rice salads, veggie dishes, or other delectable meals.

Here’s a word from the wise before you begin your journey into the wonderful world of rice: Enjoy it. Know that you are not alone because Asians everywhere are eating it. Know that it’s caloric content is low and nutrition content is high. Know that it’s highly versatile in preparation and dish choices. Know that you can store it in a refrigerator and eat it 2 weeks later simply by microwaving it. Know that there are more asians eating rice at this very moment than there are people in the United States. Most importantly, know that you learned all this about Rice on Stuff Asian People Like, and tell your friends. That’s a good thing to know.

#30 Cash

2008-03-20T19:50:00.001-07:00

Posted March 10th, 2008 by everydayasian · No Comments

We’d like to thank everydayasian for their first post today on
Stuff Asian People Like #30 - Cash.

Asian people love cash. I don’t mean they like “cash” as in, they like money in general. I mean that they like dealing only in paper money. Asians like paying for things in cash. Paying in cash is integral to many other things that Asians like. For example, bartering and bargaining. Asians can’t try to haggle with someone and expect to pay by debit! By carrying a variety of bill sizes, asians can pay for their bargains in exact change, eliminating the proverbial slap-in-the-face associated with talking the merchant down from $20 to $12 and only being able to pull out a $20 bill and then asking for change. After all, asians do want to come back to that particular store. Asian store owners grumble at having to pay a surcharge on credit card transactions, so they pass the savings on to other store owners by buying with cash.

Asians also like to give cash. From weddings to birthdays to holidays, Asians only give cash as gifts. Asians do this so that instead of buying a $20 gift for someone, they can give that person $20 and then go into a store and coax the owner into giving them a 2 for $20 deal. By giving cash instead of tangible gifts, the Asian person has doubled their cost-benefit. It also means the gift giver doesn’t have to waste time searching for a perfect gift. That time can be put to better uses, such as studying, karaoke or hand washing dishes. Plus, Asians are always late to a party. Can you imagine how much later they would be if they actually had to buy and wrap gifts? On gift wrapping: Asians find ridiculous the idea of buying paper to wrap something, only so that it can be torn up and thrown away. That’s probably why the Japanese invented Furoshiki (link:http://furoshiki.com/about.php.) Giving cash eliminates the need for wrapping paper.

However, asians throw their beliefs out the window when Lunar New Year comes around. The inevitable desire to give cash manifests itself into giving ostentatious red envelopes to their immediate, distant, or even disconnected family. This means giving money to cousins, nephews, nieces, daughters, fathers, and even children of their adjacent white neighbors who do not know them at all. The red colored envelop is very easy to spot, and can be seen being passed by hand over 30 feet away. By giving the red envelop, the asian is showing everybody that they are indeed cash-givers. When they have exhausted their cash supply, Asians still love a nice warm gift from the heart.

But don’t try to give an Asian person a real gift. He or she will appreciate and cherish the gift, sure. But it will never get used. The sandwich maker or the 5-minute instant terrarium will be so treasured that it will remain in its box, yet still on display for future guests to admire. My mother was using some busted up pots and pans, some with broken handles, so last year I gave her some decent name-brand pots, making sure to tell her that I got them on discount at Marshall’s so she wouldn’t think that I spent excessive money. A year later, they still sit on her counter, shrinkwrap intact. The lesson: Asians love cash. Don’t try to convince them otherwise.

- Written By: everydayasian

#29 Slurping

2008-03-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Posted March 9th, 2008 by Peter · 5 Comments
396 views

You always know that you are in the presence of an asian eating soup or ramen noodles when you hear the grotesque and sometimes irritable sound of them slurping. This asian habit is one of the best and worst because of its ambivalent signals. On the non-asian side, it is a great reason to remove the asian from the room by any means necessary. On the asian side, however, it is a way for them to say that:

The Food is Tasty: Yes. When asians eat liquid food, it is always customary for them to slurp to signal the arrival of millions of tiny delectable taste buds. When asians sit at tables, they will have slurping contests. When this occurs, both asians are trying to slurp the loudest in order to show the chef their respects. The winner is awarded a larger rationing of food during the next distribution. Sometimes, this contest gets out of hand as the two competitors will build a rivalry that they will take part in every time they are at the same restaurant or family event.

The Food is Nasty: Asians do not say, “This sucks,” or, “This needs more salt!” They simply won’t do anything at all. When asians do not slurp, the chef knows that something is terribly wrong. Maybe he or she forgot to add that extra leaf of parsley or grain of pepper or sugar. Asians can sometimes anger their chef so much that they will receive momentously “generous” portions of the food they so sorely despise. In that case, asians will slurp to get the chef to stop giving them so much.

You Want to Annoy Your Neighbors: Many Japanese noodle newbies slurp too tightly and create high-pitched sounds that drive dogs insane. “The key is loosen your lips and get a nice wet, juicy sound.” If an asian person realizes that you don’t like them, they will slurp especially loud to annoy you. Asians are non-confrontational in nature, so slurping allows them to get back at someone without actually meaning it.

Now here’s the real reason: “More than tradition, slurping makes the noodles taste better (and in the case of hot noodles, you’re less likely to burn your mouth).” -mechamecha

This is the most practical reason. Asians know that to get the full flavor of noodles, they must be eaten at their hottest. The intake of air in order to cool the noodles causes them to make the infamous “slurping sound.” It is especially apparent in Japanese culture, where asians want to experience their noodles. “One should use all senses when eating them,” says one of our Japanese members. The slurping sound will then activate your hearing senses, and in turn activate others such as taste, sight, and the inevitable feel of the noodles across your glistening lips (as well as allow you to suck all the MSG off every single strand).

Asians slurp to signal that food is good or not so good. They also slurp to annoy their neighbors and cool their food. Above all, the real truth lies in the cultural and cerebral experience that is eating noodles. That is why, our culturally-deprived readers, Asians Slurp.

#28 Hoarding

2008-03-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

Posted March 8th, 2008 by Peter · 6 Comments
609 views

Now that the little intermission is over:
let’s get back to the nitty gritty asian stuff.

hoard (hôrd, hōrd) Pronunciation Key
n. A hidden fund or supply stored for future use; a cache.

To accumulate a hoard of.
To keep hidden or private.

Do you ever wonder why asians have such large pockets or purses after leaving restaurants? No, It’s not because they’ve been getting paid to eat and it’s definitely not because they’ve been stealing tip money from other tables (even though they hardly ever tip correctly, but let’s save that for a later post). It’s a dirty little habit that has played itself over time and time again since the invention of disposable items.

Asians, pack rats, and socially deprived mental patients have one thing in common, hoarding. The act may seem frivolously harmless, but there comes a time when the act becomes so something far greater. Asians have made it a way of life. When asians see paper or plastic grocery bags, they see trash bags. They see discarded Carl’s Jr.’s cups as potential cups for their babies. Asians are the purest form of entrepreneurs because they do not merely see the present use of items, but the future potential they made hold.

Though the Asian hoarding of goods is not classified as “compulsive hoarding,” it still ranks pretty high (behind the packrat but before the fox). That is because OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is not even classified as a mental disorder in asian countries. Asian women are expected to keep the house clean, especially during the New Years season, where a dirty house could bring another year of bad luck. Since products are not so readily available in communist countries, these people are left out to dry. After immigrating to lavishly adorned Americas, this habit causes these over-stressed housewives to collect as many cleaning tools as possible, whenever possible. Hence, these women are forced to compete by any means with others for the cleanest house in order to make their cameos on the next episode of “Design on a Dime” on HGTV.

Other asians hoard due to something we all know so well about: Perfectionism. These asians are always aware of free objects due to their unrelenting thoughts about not having enough necessities. For example, asians that hoard paper towels, napkins, and even toilet paper all have the fear that they could wind up stranded in the middle of the desert one day with no help coming and a peculiar urge to take a crap. These people, men and women alike, can be found with a stash of napkins in their cars of purses from restaurants ranging from Black Angus to Pho 54. The same fear occurs with the asian need to keep their hair clean. That is why asians will have piles of shampoo and soap from hotels they have stayed at. These asians hoard in order to make sure that they will be perfect and ready in all situations.

And still, as if the previous two were not enough, there is a final reason for hoarding: Sentimentality. Asians have only recently immigrated to other countries. Due to their short tenure (about 120 years), they are forced to respect the people and the countries that they are now citizens of. The hoarding of historic items is very much apparent because it allows asians to feel more in touch with their new homelands. The sentimentality and history behind an object intrigues these types of asians. That is why these asians will collect memorabilia from the 1970’s, wrapping paper from the 90’s, or pictures of famous people that they will never meet. Where others see these pictures as momentos of certain events, asians become quite attached to them. Asians may cherish their relatives and family so much that they will hoard pictures of them whenever opportunities may arise. This leaves them with piles upon piles of so called “memories” that can never be bought back (even though their family members are the click of an email away).

According to the Oprah Winfrey Show:
“All of us get attached to things some of the time. We have things that remind us of people we love, or they remind us of happy times. But for people with hoarding problems, the attachment to objects becomes very intense—sometimes more intense than the attachment to actual people…”

Asians hoard like pack rats in order to suppress their innate obsessive compulsive disorder, satisfy their need for perfection, and to cherish their new homes and loved ones. They will even duke it out over the last napkin in the “Super China Buffet” dispenser. Asians always have reasons for doing things. This is why: Asians Love Hoarding.

#27 Jackie Chan

2008-03-20T19:26:00.001-07:00

Posted March 7th, 2008 by Peter · 6 Comments
273 views

NOTE: THIS IS THE RECOVERED AND ARCHIVED VERSION. Video Posts may not work correctly.

Get ready for a blast of asian history. The last few posts have been quasi-serious, so I guess it’s time to lighten the mood up a bit. That’s why today’s post is about Jackie Chan, arguably the greatest Chinese martial arts specialist of all time.

Born out of poverty in 1954, he joined the Chinese Drama Academy at the tender age of 7, where he studied Martial Arts over 19 hours a day under Yu Jim-Yuen. At the age of 17, he burst onto the stage as a mere “loaner,” or rented Stunt Double for Golden Harvest Productions. He has certainly endured his share of bumps and bruises and come a long way, as can be seen in this video:

When non-asians hear about Jackie Chan, they immediately think: Rush Hour or other Westernized Jackie Chan films. However, when asians hear “Jackie Chan,” many things come to mind. Besides the obvious commercial appeal, Jackie embodies the Asian spirit. The never say die attitude. This is seen in many of his movies where he is portrayed as a fumbling yet madly talented police officer who is originally on the job but gets taken off of it due to a mistake but then covertly follows the story anyhow to at-the-end redeem himself (sorry for my lack of punctuation).

His style combines comedy and seriousness, as his motives are usually good, but his acts, flippant. This keeps his viewers on the edges of their respective seats throughout his productions. Even the commercials he stars in are entertaining (unlike those of Dwyane “the Rock” Johnson, whose movies are an eye sore to watch).

Jackie is not only a fighter at heart, but a multi-talented asian sensation. Even at the age of 54, he is still starring in fast-paced commercials in China and other countries. Many think that he is even “washed out” or “overused” in America. Asians know better. If you thought that he was being over-exposed in America, check out his extensive body of work here. He has starred in over 70 films overseas, and in 1999 became the first Hong Kong movie sensation to break into Hollywood. He not only appeals to the pg-13 audience, as he has even record deals with Disney for movies such as Mulan:

His popularity grew to its greatest in America with the release of “Jackie Chan Adventures” on the now “CW” (Kid’s WB). The mere appeal of his face on screen for 1 second in the opening of the introduction was enough to lift him to superstar status and even into Burger King Kids Meals:

He has risen from obscurity and made himself a success all around the world. He has broken the Asian barrier in Hollywood and allowed Chinese superstars to become mainstream (i.e. Yao Ming). Though he is not in the Hollywood Spotlight as much as he was ten years ago, he is still alive and well in China. He is the greatest martial artist of all time.

And to be the greatest poster of all time, I must leave you while you are still riveted. For these reasons and more, Asians most definitely like Jackie Chan.

#26 Comparing People

2008-03-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Posted March 6th, 2008 by Peter · 14 Comments

1,242 views

“I hate the Asian Stare. It happens often and its actually incredibly rude. I’m pretty sure the staring is to check the other person out– their clothes, their face, the way they act– in order to compare with them.

That should be another entry: #26 Comparing with Other People, be it how smart/skinny/talented their Asian kids are, how much money another Asian makes, how big another Asian’s house is, etc. Asians love to compare and they love to be the best. And they compare partly by ~staring~ and scoping out the competition.” -Comment by LOL

You come home from school and pick up a box of cereal to munch on. Your mom, seemingly out of nowhere, pours out her distress about an experience with a hispanic at work. She proceeds to tell you about her friend’s daughter, who has recently been accepted to U.C.L.A. You stare back with blood boiling, eyes tearing, and ego nearly crushed. You then stop the flow of emotion, as you realize this conversation has occurred more than once in the past.

Not much different from any other human race, Asians are judgmental creatures with their own set of stereotypes, prejudices, and social boxes. Maybe you are being thrown into a social box while reading this post. No one will really know. There are tons of categories Asians throw people into upon first glance. Asians see other asians as:

1. First Generation: People who were born in Asia and immigrated to the states such as Asian parents and children. There are more Southeast Asian countries (including mainland China) in this bracket. They tend to be lower-income due to the struggles of assimilating to a new culture while staying true to their own. The language barrier impedes in the process of finding jobs and as a result, a vast majority have poor health care (includes Medi-Cal). This group is very traditional and carries strong Asian customs with them.

2. Second Generation: People who were born in the states. They are usually more Americanized, and immigrated from countries like Taiwan, Hong Kong, Korea, Japan, etc… Their grandparents or parents worked hard from nothing many decades back; however, time has enabled them to establish themselves, so this group tends to be more well-off than first generations. Remember, there are exceptions in all groups but these descriptions describe the majority.

3. White Washed: Asians that have decided to abandon their asian heritage. Some purposely marry into a white family. To make matters worse, they will refuse to teach their children their own language and will try their hardest to avoid their asian parents in order to keep their children from knowing too much.

4. Money-Hungry: These asians own nail salons and multiple houses. They are ruthless and will do anything in order to get to the top. They blatantly do their jobs in order to receive a high flow of income, and their children may turn out to be spoiled rotten due to it.

Conversely, asians see people of other races as either:

1. Non-Asian:
Everyone (black, mexican, bosnian, etc…) including even “asians” from India. (White people are NOT included in this classification.)

2. White:
Very well off and have created a society that is imitated around the world. These include all people that look white, including the Scots, Germans, Brits, an so on… These people have been “born” into their current situations because their parents have inherited it from their parents; and they, from their parents. They are also currently living the “american” dream.

Stated above, Asians are able to compare people of other races with themselves because they have made a hierarchy of racial ethnicity that they refer to. However, it is very difficult for Asians to understand that there are many people of other races that have very distinct cultural values. It is only natural, as the majority of people Asians see in America or television are indeed white. For example, when Asians see blacks or hispanics on television, they are usually involved in drug trafficking or murder. Though untrue, these predispositions cause Asians to believe that people of other races are always involved in certain activities. The media often glorifies the white sector of the United States population, causing Asians to see them as the world’s heroes.

When comparing to themselves, Asians will say white people are much better off (they have been in America the longest). Otherwise, they will say that they are better off than any other race. This is usually the case until Asian parents compare their children to other Asian children. According to asian4, “Your parents always boast about you to all the other Vietnamese parents, or your parents totally dog on how stupid you are to other Vietnamese parents.” This is totally true in most cases, as Asian parents will glorify you if you succeed but neglect you if you are a failure. Common comparisons include those about grade point average, college prospects (stamfurt), classes taken in school (calculus in middle school), and even physical stature in some cases. “You should drink more milk! Thao’s son is 5′11″ “ These comparisons, though very frustrating for their children to hear, motivate their children to do well in school even though they may seem quite apathetic of them.

Now you know the asian prototypes for stereotypes, it’s as simple as “black and white.” Asians know that they are stereotyped a great deal by other races. Asians make up for it though, as asian stereotypes of other races are very incomplete and non-comprehensive. These preconceptions mostly serve to motivate asians to strive to do better and move up the social ladder. With this in mind, the next time you see an asian parent comparing their son or daughter to someone else’s, know that it is only to make them stronger and more focused in life. The same applies to receiving extra instruction (tutoring). It is not merely an excuse to nag at their children, it is a life lesson. For these reasons, asians find that Comparing People is very essential to the perpetuation of their race.

Notice to people that do not support our views:

It is a known fact that the more assimilated you are into another culture, the more comfortable your standard-of-living is. If Asian parents don’t want to uphold the culture or traditions from their homeland, the subsequent second generation kids and beyond will become more Americanized, will not be able to speak their own languages, and will be disconnected to past Asian values and customs. Remember, this entire blog is about generalizations - some real, some just for entertainment, so the best way to look at things is that there are specific generalizations or stereotypes for each Immigrant generation. (this was added in response to a reader that thought that “none” of these posts applied to any Asians at all and were merely white elitist stereotypes. Yeah Right…) Please email us personally if you have a problem, but do not try to spam every single post. It’s very unbecoming.

Thank You,
Your Admin

#25 Staring at People

2008-03-20T19:22:00.002-07:00

Posted March 5th, 2008 by Peter · 13 Comments

“I get a lot of stare from Asians. I get it everyday. I used to feel very uncomfortable about it. Now I’m kinda used to it but wtf Why? Do you stare at other Asians? or be stared?” - UglyMan

All people stare, but Asians stare... for a long, long time. Oftentimes, the stare lasts longer than the 1-2 second courtesy glance. Staring is human nature one may argue just as people like to scan their eyes across the horizon for whatever peaks interest. A guy can stare to check out a hot girl. A girl can stare to dog another girl. People stare to make fun of others with abnormal features or attitudes. However, the Asian Stare tends to break the American social norm because the Asian Stare is very distinct.

Perhaps what makes it distinct is the length, facial expression, and other things that are difficult to describe in words. The Stare is one of those things you need to experience for yourself to know. It makes a self-conscious victim feel weak, demoralized, and provokes the ever-so-common self-questioning: Why?! Is there something on my face? Do I look weird? This is a normal defense mechanism in Asia, where people are used to staring and being stared at. However, this can be quite intimidating to receive the first time.

If you haven’t been aware of the Asian Stare, then you should take a field trip to Stare Central (aka China Town), Japanese Town, Korea Town, Little Saigon, or many others. If you go to China or any other Asian country and you are White, Black, Hispanic, or non-Asian in general, then you will be treated like a panda. A panda? Yes, a panda. Pandas are a very cute and cuddly. They need attention. However, they are also tourist attractions which are in turn exploited to the greatest extent. Have you ever noticed why Asian Restaurants have such large glass windows? This is so that passersby’s can see if there is a non-asian person in the restaurant. Besides allowing people to choose their food without actually knowing an asian language, they are also there so that Asians can utilize the Asian Stare without actually being in the same building as a foreigner. For this reason, Asians possess the same powers as Super Man because they can use their eyes as evil weapons even through walls!

Because extreme xenophobia exists in asians everywhere, Asians use the stare to warn their young about strangers before they may approach them. For example, you will never find a 6′4″ person in Vietnam unless it is a tourist or inhabitant with a pituitary gland disorder. Asians are naturally afraid of these giants, but still feel the need to stare from a very far distance. The asian stare not only works to invoke fear, it is also used to protect asians. This leaves a few questions to be answered:

What is a stare? How long should you have eye-contact? Are you scared now? These questions can be answered by taking a stroll to your nearest asian themed town or county. Whether it be China, Korea, Philippine, or Vietnam Town, one thing will be held constant: The Asian Stare.

#24 Chopsticks

2008-03-20T19:22:00.001-07:00

Posted March 4th, 2008 by Peter · 11 Comments
558 views

It’s very common to see chopsticks in Chinese restaurants; So isn’t it only natural to assume that they were invented by the Chinese? The truth is that the Chinese were taught to use the chopsticks by nomadic tribes long before the Europeans discovered the knife and fork. The first documentation of chopstick use was in the enlightened philosophical teachings of Confucius, who said that chopsticks should replace the metal fork and knife due to their connotations with war and death. The chopsticks, conversely, represented gentleness and benevolence. This mere instrument of food consumption was a sort of “statement” in its day for a more peaceful and kind world. However, due to globalization, chopsticks have become a staple at all Asian restaurants, and in turn have backstroked their way across the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans into the homes of millions across the world.

Though most Asians do not know the true origin of chopsticks, they are as important to them as bad Karaoke is to Koreans. The main reason is the obvious grooming of Asians by their more culturally-enabled parents, who nowadays are even failing at teaching their children how to ask for a glass of water in their native tongues. For those who are not in the know, there is a simple way to learn how to use chopsticks:

“First, place the first chopstick so that thicker part rests at the base of your thumb and the thinner part rests on the lower side of your middle fingertip. Then, bring your thumb forward so that the stick will be firmly trapped in place. At least two or three inches of chopstick of the thinner end should extend beyond your fingertip. Next, position the other chopstick so that it is held against the side of your index finger and by the end of your thumb. Check whether the ends of the chopsticks are even. If not, then tap the thinner parts on the plate to make them even.” -ChinaCulture.org

When foreigners dine with asian business partners, they are usually subjected to asian restaurants, which sport asian utensils. At first, foreigners will have trouble grasping the intricacies of holding the chopsticks correctly in order to pick up a grain of rice or soup. The asian sitting closest will immediately reach down to their own bowl and bring the bowl to their mouth, utilizing the chopsticks to bulldoze the food into their own oral cavity. These asians do it in order to show people how to use chopsticks. If you still can’t do it and all else fails, a good Scooby-Doo impression will get the food into your mouth quite quickly.

Chopsticks, though hefty and sturdy in appearance, have a life cycle. When chopsticks begin to wear down, asians resort to their ingenuity to create new uses for chopsticks. Here are the top five: (Post yours in the comments section)

1. Hair Bun Holder

2. Dog Poop Remover

3. Drink Mixer/Egg Beater

4. 007 Bond - Death Weapon

5. Back Scratcher

Though asians have other uses for chopsticks, they never forget the main idea. The main point is that Asians do not only see the chopstick as a utensil. Paired together, chopsticks create harmony. They are Yin and Yang. They are Beavis and Butthead. They are Batman and Robin. They are… well, you get the point. They are also a source of superstition, bringing bad luck to those that receive a pair that are uneven in size (missing an appointment), or eventual misfortune to those that drop their chopsticks. Crossed, chopsticks indicate that an asian has finished their meal and is ready for the bill.

There you have it! Chopsticks have tons of history, being used as teaching tools by Confucius all the way to becoming Hair Bun holders in the new millenium. Just remember that if you are a foreigner in an asian restaurant, asians will expect for you to not know how to use chopsticks. (If you have read this article, you will have no problem with this) Their chatter, the rest of the night, will be about you being able to use chopsticks. When that occurs, turn to them, ask about where “stamfurt” and the “west womb” are, and tell them about Stuff Asian People Like. They’ll get a kick out of that.

#23 Durian

2008-03-20T19:19:00.001-07:00

Posted March 3rd, 2008 by kvietgrl · 22 Comments
1,090 views

I’ve recently discovered this blog and think it’s hilarious, a good laugh for the day, so I decided to contribute to the effort by writing once in a while a series on tropical fruits - my true passion! I’m not funny so please bear with the cheesy report/journalistic nature of my fruit series. Have fun!

“The fact that a fruit exists that looks like a giant mace with spiky points proves that God exists, and he has a sense of humor…” - a friend of mine

The world should be exposed to the wonders and secrets of the Asian equatorial area: tropical fruits! These regions include Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam, and other tropical areas…even Canada and the US are now discovering the phenomenon and are learning to plant it so you better be in the know! Let’s start the first post with the most paradoxical one: Durian, a fruit that elicits the most polar of responses. Many Asians are in love with durian and think it tastes and smells good. This is an important point - smells good. They’re addicted to its sweet and exotic aroma, and love how it warms up their hearts and stomaches. However, some Asians will say that durian smells nasty like putrid fart and will run away at the slightest whiff.

If you still haven’t seen this monster, it’s usually a brownish yellow-green color on the outside with somewhat firm skin. The skin is thick enough when ripe for the durian to be a feat to open. The inside yellow part you eat is soft like custard. When not ripe, it hangs on trees along the streets of equatorial Asian regions - green - and very SPIKY! In old times, Asians must have used it for defense in wars as they can probably knock enemies out with one thrust of the durian. The fruit is yellow on the inside, with a brown, usually big seed. The brighter the yellow, the sweeter and more intense it tastes, and the “stinkier” or “lovelier” it smells depending on which durian party you stand.

People know where Singapore stands as a country with the signs everywhere forbidding carriage of durians on their transits; however, it’s somewhat odd that they’ve dedicated their Esplanade building to boast the beauty of this spiky creature. Therefore, the world knows deep down Singaporeans probably dig durian and can’t have enough of it. Why else would they need the signs?

As one of the world’s top food connoisseurs, Asians have developed many culinary art forms, one being The Art of Eating Fruits. So here’s how Asians get to business:

1. Asians know their knives. They must buy the cheapest and sharpest. If it becomes dull, they’ll use the back of their rice bowls to sharpen the knives. Primitive? Not for the Asians.

2. Despite their ineptitude for the football sport, Asians know exactly how to hold their durians. Asians hold the side of the durian, gripping areas between the spikes with their fingers.

3. At places that are raised higher, they work their knives down one inch into the fruit while spreading the open slit with their tiny fingers while avoiding smushing the fruit. Remember, asians are perfectionists.

4. With their thin bodies, asians must carefully use both hands and arm strength to widen the slits. They are especially patient and hard-working when it comes to good food.

5. Try this at home and feel proud for learning The Art of Eating Fruit. To maximize their resources, Asians save leftovers by making durian ice cream. They wrap the pieces up in saran wrap and throw it in the freezer. Also, they save the seeds to boil them and they’ve got themselves a potatoey treat!

If you want to make an Asian happy, when treated with durian at their home, go on and on complimenting how clever they were in picking it out, how sweet and delightful-smelling it is and you’ll automatically be put on their New Year’s red envelope list. How do Asians know which durian tastes the best if they all look the same?

In order to pick the best one, Asians want to get their money’s worth even if they’re picking out a cheap frozen one. Asian moms or grandmas have the eye for the freshness of the spikes and color, magic fingers to feel and press the fruit to sense how big each section is, and they know their fruit seasons. The durian has 5 sections, each having 2-3 yellow pieces to eat. However, some durians will only have 3 inedible pieces in the entire fruit due to one’s lack of Asian skills.

In light of bargains, yes, one should wait until there is a sale at the Asian supermarket or if you’re in Asia, then you’ll need some charm and bartering skills at the flea markets because they’ll try to jack up the price! Flea market ladies will try to trick you of every kuai or dong…if you are a naive Asian, then you could easy get tricked after spending such a long time picking the best durian and trying to get the best deal; however, at the end, flea market lady could very well surreptitiously slip a rotten durian into your bag and you’ll walk happily home.

Anyhow, back to the US, durians are usually sold for $3.99/lb at an Asian supermarket for a fresh one. Frozen ones are 99 cents/lb. Usually, Asians will get the frozen ones exported from Thailand or somewhere and dethaw it for about 3 hours because it’s cheaper. They gotta save every cent. When Asian families have a special occasion, maybe once a year, they might get a fresh one. These things are heavy depending on size, usually 3-4 lbs!

In my quest for truth, I wanted to know if my Asian friends were simply pretending to hate durian or was there something genetic about their sense of smell that made them run away because in the end, I couldn’t take no for an answer. How could some Asians completely reject a fruit that so clearly represents their Asian nature? Tasty and Farty. Sweet and Spunky. Back in the days, I performed some “field research” at my dorm. Note: Asians have too much time on their hands. 100% of those whom I polled gave durian a try, and 72.7% (8 out of 11) liked it, while 27.3% told me to take it far away. These people were of all races; 2 Indians, 3 Chinese, and 3 White people tried and liked it. 1 White, 1 White/Asian, and 1 Chinese hated it. My conclusion was that affinity for this fruit extends beyond race and that out of a random sample, most people like durian but are scared because of what they’ve heard about it. Also, some Asians simply don’t like it and that’s the end of the story or they don’t want to seem uncool or fobby if spotted eating it. Side note: two of the white people even asked for more and reminded me a couple times to bring it back to the dorm. Hopefully this was a decent introduction and did the great durian some justice. If you have more questions regarding the durian, feel free to leave some comments.

Written by Kvietgrl

#23 Durian

2008-03-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

Posted March 3rd, 2008 by kvietgrl · 22 Comments
1,090 views

“The fact that a fruit exists that looks like a giant mace with spiky points proves that God exists, and he has a sense of humor…” - a friend of mine

As one of the world’s top food connoisseurs, Asians have developed many culinary art forms, one being The Art of Eating Fruits. So here’s how Asians get to business:

1. Asians know their knives. They must buy the cheapest and sharpest. If it becomes dull, they’ll use the back of their rice bowls to sharpen the knives. Primitive? Not for the Asians.

2. Despite their ineptitude for the football sport, Asians know exactly how to hold their durians. Asians hold the side of the durian, gripping areas between the spikes with their fingers.

4. With their thin bodies, asians must carefully use both hands and arm strength to widen the slits. They are especially patient and hard-working when it comes to good food.

Written by Kvietgrl

#22 Asian Buffets

2008-03-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Posted March 2nd, 2008 by Peter · 12 Comments
660 views

While we’re two posts removed from “Flied Lice,” it’s only proper to recommend a place to test out your newfound language skills. For that reason, this Sunday’s article is about Asian Buffets. Asians love a bargain whenever it may come around. However, bargains are very hard to come by in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. That is why asians go to buffets. At a buffet, asians not only get one bargain, but a multitude of bargains. So much so, that asians will return from a buffet and continue to reap the fruits of the labor days after.

When looking for a buffet, asians aren’t very picky. They never mind that they’re probably paying 12$ for soup and salad because they can realistically “eat as much as they can eat.” This is very important because when asians see something that is virtually “unlimited,” it is instantaneously a bargain. No questions asked. Sometimes, the dominant asian bargaining trait kicks in, and Asians will even heckle the turkey carver into giving them larger portions.

In the long run, it doesn’t matter, because asian buffets have, along with the traditional orange chicken, chow mein, and fried rice, a myriad of new foods you’ve probably never seen before. Foods that overshadow the obvious lack of desserts at Asian Buffets. Foods such as fried frog legs, fresh oyster, and mayonnaise shrimp have more flavor in one bite than all the food combined in a local Hometown Buffet. Asians love this food because of its savory goodness, and will try to savor the goodness even when they go home.

As one commenter said, “In the case of many asian mothers and grandmothers, buffets are places where you can also ‘grab a sweet potato, wrap it in two or three napkins, and stuff it in your purse when no one is looking.‘ ” This is the very same mother or grandmother that will tell an asian to starve themselves before going to a buffet. This allows the asian to make the most out of every dollar and maximize opportunity costs and utility.

But let’s get back to the main point of this post: bad pronunciation practice. To bet able to practice your bad pronunciation, ask one of the waiters if they know where the “fried rice” is. They will most likely answer, “What? Flied Lice? Aisle 3 behind chow mein.” (Then you can ask if their daughters are going to “Stamfurt” too.) Step it up a notch and ask where the restroom is, and you will receive an answer that sounds very much like the left side of a pregnant woman’s stomach (West Womb). The main point is that asians love people who try new things. When people try to learn asian languages, they are very happy to know that there will be one more person in the world that can communicate with them. (but let’s save that for another post).

Here’s the breakdown: To properly go to an asian buffet, starve yourself the day of the feast. Proceed to bring at least 5 ziplock baggies. It does not matter what brand they are. Then, bring a list of common foods with R or L consonant sounds in the beginning or the end of the word (ie. fried, rabbit, lettuce, frog…) and create innovative ways to say them to the waiters. They most likely know what you’re trying to do because they’ve probably heard it before, but they won’t care. You’re learning their language, you’ve already paid, and you’re at their buffet. This is all that matters.

For a list of Great Chinese Buffets in the Southern California Area, click here.

#21 Growing Stuff In Own Yard

2008-03-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Posted March 1st, 2008 by Dr. Chan · 8 Comments
505 views

Asians like to grow things in their back yards. Sometimes legal, sometimes illegal. But, before they can do that, Asians have to find the perfect spot. A two to four room house with a massive front and/or back yard. There is logic in it. Why waste time gas, and money driving to the grocery store for some lemons for lemonade, when indeed you can plant a tree yourself, and harvest the fruit of your labor? Mmmm… Sweet Lemons of victory and guess what? They are free! It is always a proud day when an Asian can bring something up at the dinner table like “Mmmmmm do you like those tomatoes?” And expect a response like, “Oh yeah they are just scrumptious” (maybe in a different tongue) And they would gladly be ready to say, “Well, guess what? I grew em myself!”

Other than that, whether Asians are from China, or the Philippines (for our non-oriental friends, don’t be so hostile) asians like to grow exotic tropical fruits and plants, or herbs which would be rather expensive at any other supermarket.

For example: Papayas, Dragon Fruit, Persimmons, squashes, logans, lychees, jujubees, and anything of that sort. And yes, asians would rather grow their own oranges, instead of buying them from some hispanic on the side of a road.

The yard of an asian home is also where you can find some special herbs, or ailments. Such as some mints, parsley, lemon grass, shiso, peppers, and aloe! They are essential to the asian die

t, (or just cool to look at). Many Vietnamese, Chinese, and Japanese dishes use these herbs as garnishes or to add more flavor. Some of the herbs are also used in medicine, ie. Aloe, (for the common rash.) Yes, asians are green-thumbed grass eaters. And that is why: Asians love to grow stuff in their yards.

#20 Bad Pronunciation

2008-03-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

Posted February 29th, 2008 by Peter · 10 Comments
939 views

Asian people are very capable of learning the intricacies and grammar of a language. However, past the critical stages of lingual learning (1-7 years old, asians have to cope with not being able to pronounce words in other languages, especially English, correctly. This is true of nearly all asians that arrive in the United States after the age of 15, when the human brain begins to lose its plasticity.

“What!?” Is this a boring bio lesson on Stuff Asian People Like?!

(Heck no.) Asians have a way with languages. When words come out of asian mouths, they are more refined and articulate. However, this is only true to the eye of the asian. Take Fried Rice for example. Asians are known to say, “Flied Lice.” This holds true only in some asian languages where the L and R are non-present consonant sounds (when they are in the beginning of words). These languages, such as Japanese, usually carry the L or R sound in the middle. In the same category are words like “flo (for)” and “larely (rarely).”

Other asians learn simply by listening. These asians will wind up cursing by saying things like “mother-father” and “thuck you” or “shamit!” 1st Generation Asian parents are the best at mispronunciation because they have probably just heard the new word and want to show their mad skills to their children. Asian children know when their parents have just talked to their salon friends when they are asked about if they want to apply to “Habard (Harvard), Yeild (Yale), Pu-rini-ston (Princeton), or Stamfurt (Stanford).”

Due to the nature of asian languages, intonations and slurs are very important. In American *english* these slurs and intonations are bland and odd-sounding. Asians, for that reason, give more emphasis to certain vowels. “Do your deeeeeshes” or “Clean Yaaaaa-ore room!” In Asian *asian languages* these long slurs and intonations are signs of annoyance and disrespect. They could also be suggestive of marriage.

The next time you are in an Asian county or area, try these new things out. Order some “flied lice” or talk to the local women about “Stamfurt” and if their “dothers” will be accepted, because chances are that they won’t know the difference. They won’t care either.

Email from Contributor: “I first had Chinese food when I and friends used to pop into a restaurant in South Kensington after a Prom and share a couple of spring rolls and some fried rice. I’m embarrassed to say that we called it “Flied Lice” and in front of the waiters” -anonymous

#19 Arriving Late

2008-03-20T19:13:00.001-07:00

Posted February 28th, 2008 by Peter · 19 Comments
1,163 views

There is an old Paris By Night proverb: “If it doesn’t eat beans, it ain’t Mexican. If it doesn’t come late, it’s certainly not Vietnamese.” Have you ever wondered why asians always give ridiculously early arrival times to their peers and family when holding some type of social gathering? The answer is quite simple: Asians know that nobody will arrive at the designated time. Though this may seem to you like a very unprofessional and disrespectful manner of conduct, asians view it with a sense of pride. Pride for their own country. Pride for their own people. Pride for, well, themselves. “Why does everyone come at 5:30 when the party starts at 5:00?” Asians know why to arrive late. It is a secret asian code that has been passed down for generations. The fact of the matter is that Asians come late because they:

1) Do not want to be noticed. Asians are very sensitive creatures, and they do not want to spoil another person’s fun even if it’s a very very tempting thing to do. That is why asians will arrive late to most social gatherings. By arriving late, they accomplish a diffusion of attention that might otherwise have been achieved if they had arrived during, let’s say, a welcoming ice breaker. Asians know that the first 30 minutes of a social gathering are the most awkward, so they come late to avoid it. Who knows? The first 30 minutes could be when a meteor, by chance, strikes the building. It is precautionary to arrive late and unnoticed in case anything actually happens.

2) Do not actually want to be there. Yes, you heard it. Most asians do not even like being at the parties they attend. They are either there because it will be “the first and last” party they will or will ever attend. They might also be appeasing their girlfriend of boyfriend by attending the party. In that case, one wrong move could ruin an asian’s reputation towards their asian peers. It is widely known that asians only like parties that asians are attending. If it is a very diverse party, asians will feel very alienated due to the lack of familiarity. This will cause the asian to cower and feel sorry for themself while drinking their 20th cup of fruit punch in the corner of the room. At that moment, they will regret being there and realize that they could be doing so much better things like playing Maple Story. It is indeed very asian to bring along a more ostentatious friend to diffuse the tension between their peers or family members, if any shall exist. This helps the asian co-exist better with their peers.

3) Are there only for the food. An old decrepit woman walks into a crowded restaurant about an hour late. “Wow… there’s a lot of food. I wonder if my son or grandson will want some for his family?” Miss Chan thinks to herself as she stares at the plate of untouched house-special fried rice. Two minutes later, the other guests are beginning to leave. She quietly stalks her prey, waiting for the right moment to pounce at the left-over food. She pulls from her purse a heavy-duty generic zip-lock bag and “BAM!” Asians love getting food for other people. It is a cheap and easy way to say that they love the other person without actually having to do any work themselves. Remember that asians love bar

gains, so restaurants with left-overs are an asian person’s Costco. At parties, it’s a quick in-n-out, and they’re scot-free. All these factors play heavily upon why asians arrive late. Asians know that being late is customary. This holds extremely true in asian countries, where traffic and swearing on the road is a way of life. In some areas in Asia, roads are only wide enough for one car (that’s for both traffic directions). Asians do not want to put up with the trouble of preparing their clothes an extra hour earlier just to beat the traffic and arrive earlier than a few other people. It is a lifestyle that is even seen in rural asian areas, where people have to walk everywhere. This slow paced-lifstyle highly contrasts the new upbeat Ame

rican and European style, where everybody has to make everybody else happy by arriving on time. Asians only care what they themselves think, allowing them to perform this feat free of guilt every time.

There you have it, Another asian myth is busted. Stay tuned for more fascinating asian truths on the Discovery Channel at 8:00PM EST (Just Kidding). For those that are confused, just add 30 minutes to any time assigned by an asian, and you have the correct time they expect their peers and everyone else to arrive. Also know that the next time you encounter an asian person at a party, it is probably due to their friends or family that they are there. They don’t even want to be noticed, which is why they will try to blend into the walls on the side of the room. Moreover, it is only proper for them to bag food and bring it home if they are at a restaurant because, chances are, they could only be there for the food. It could even be their culture and biological predispositions that cause them to arrive late (protection). Arriving late is a universal truth. Nowhere is this more evident than in asian people.

Side Note: Times have changed. As more and more asians are assimilated into their surrounding societies, less and less are doing the things necessary to survival like saving food and arriving late. They may not even know their own languages. “gasp” However, these traditions will always endure because they will live on in asian masses, recent immigrants, and the elderly. These are the only people that truly know why: Asians Love Arriving Late.

#18 Handwashing the Dishes

2008-03-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

Posted February 27th, 2008 by Peter · 11 Comments
882 views

We thank “That Guy” for this very true asian observation.

Asian people are generally regarded as technologically advanced, and that is true. However, there is one machine an asian will never use: The dishwasher.

Asians simply don’t trust machines to do their dishes for them. Asians are very prideful in their work, and need to be assured that their dishes are indeed clean. Who better to assure asians than themselves? If an asian knows that a dish is machine-washed, they will question its integrity. They will stare at it with contempt. They will most likely take it to the restroom to rinse it off. It is only when an asian and only an asian does the dishes by hand that it can be considered clean.

Think about it: Can a machine really pick up all that grime and cholesterol from those delightful but ever so greasy asian meals? Asians take off their shoes for the same reason they wash their own dishes. It’s the cleaner and more obvious thing to do.

Here’s another point of view: Perhaps it is a perceived waste of money; as it takes up power, water, and time. This is absolutely true. Asians are very thrifty by nature, and would not ever think about having a machine do something that they could do themselves for a cheaper and more efficient price. Asians shop at asian supermarkets in order to save money on items that would otherwise cost them way more at, let’s say, Trader Joe’s. The extra power, water, and soap consumption that is associated with a dishwasher is also immense.

A dishwasher goes through multiple cycles in order to get plates clean. Handwashing takes only the time it takes to lather and rinse. “A dishwasher uses 512 kilowatts of electricity per year, producing 840 lbs. of carbon dioxide. Hand washing produces nothing (well, other than when the person washing the dishes exhales …). Compared to the lather and rinse method, that’s a lot of water and energy consumed. According to ecostreet, an average person can save up over 11,000 liters of water a year by hand-washing dishes. To put that into perspective, an average sink holds 20 liters of water. That’s over 550 sinks-worth of water going to waste every year! Asians not only know what’s best for their own health, but also the environment.

It is very safe to say that in most Asian households, the closest use of the dishwasher is perhaps to store extra dishes after they have been cleaned. However, in most cases, the dishes are left to air-dry on racks conveniently located on the kitchen counter. This way, children, the elderly, and even pets can get their own dishes whenever they want. This allows them to become independent leaders of the free world in the future. (This is probably a stretch…) Asians know why to hand-wash dishes: It’s eco-friendly, time-efficient, and much cleaner than machine-washers.
This is why: Asians Love to Hand-wash Dishes.

#17 Asian Supermarkets

2008-03-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

Posted February 26th, 2008 by Dr. Chan · 12 Comments
730 views

As we have heard before, Asians love bargains, and will do anything to get cheap stuff. Hence, the necessity for Asian Supermarkets. Why buy a pound of tomatoes at Albertsons for $2.49 when you can get the same fresh tomatoes at 99 Ranch Supermarket for about buck? On top of low prices, Asian Supermarkets are the only places where you can find Instant Noodles (non asian ones), either extra spicy in a bowl, or a bag. You can also buy it in bulk.

Asian supermarkets are the go to place for everything we need to prepare meals. Because face it, Asians don’t always eat white food. We can’t have Hamburgers everyday, Think of the consequences! That is also why most asians aren’t part of the obese or overweight population. And yes, asians technically do have rice everyday. Sometimes we have noodles that are rice based. Sometimes we have spring rolls made of rice paper. So next time when someone says “Haha, Asians eat rice everyday” Go ahead and nod. Asians are proud of it. But don’t be fooled: Asians still enjoy an occasional shopping spree through American supermarkets. Where else can asians use coupons? (again with being thrifty) Asians have to have their hot pockets.

Asian supermarkets are also known to carry many other items that aren’t available in an American Supermarket, such as a bag of 500 disposable chopsticks, 25 lb. bag of rice, Hoisin Sauce, Fresh Udon, Durian, Canned Lychees and Logans, Frozen Jackfruit, Spring Roll Paper, Chinese Sausage, Authentic Frozen Dumplings, Canned Coconut Milk, and the list goes on! Not to mention traditional Asian produce, in the produce section. Because face the facts, Who else eats Bok Choy? Pork Loins? Raw Fish? Dried Squid? Egg Plants? Dragonfruit? Balut? Only Asians do. Shittake Mushrooms? Yeah, asians eat those too. And where else can asians buy that kind of stuff at a cheap and reasonable price? Stater Brothers? Ha! Have fun trying to find it next to all the T.V. Dinners and frozen pizza. Here are some sample ads from 99 Ranch, one of the leading chains in the Asian Supermarket industry. http://www.99ranch.com/NewsAdsSoCal.asp

#16 Not Wearing Shoes Indoors

2008-03-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Posted February 25th, 2008 by Peter · 12 Comments
1,361 views

You’ve got foot odor. Your asian friend invites you to his or her house to eat dinner with their family. You are excited. “Wow, I get to enter an asian household.. I wonder what it’ll be like.” Stepping up the stairs, images of oriental things like paintings and Chinese Calligraphy race through your mind. “Do they have a table with chairs, or a kneeling table?” You continue walking up the porch, until finally the door opens. It’s exactly as you think it will be, but better. The priceless china, the beautiful paintings on the walls. The fan hanging over the sofa, and the staple personal computer in the other corner of the room. It is a sight that you will never forget, an immersive experience into the lives of your asian friends. However, you look down to see shoes and sandals sprawled across the entrance to the living room. “Oh… no…”

Remember a previous post about the pride asians have in their own country’s products? You know, that one that talks about how asians love Michelle Kwan, Yao Ming, and Yi Jianlian? Here’s the truth about the statement. It holds true for pretty much every asian product. Kids in Chinese and Vietnamese sweatshops toil hour after hour, day after day, to supply the world with casual and athletic running shoes. Needless to say, Asians are very prideful of items that their own kind have had to work to make. They will also work hard to make sure that these products are used to the max in order to outlast the “Made in China” moniker. There are many other reasons:

1) Cleanliness: Asians love a clean house. On New Years day, it is a sign of whether or not a family will be successful. They know what shoes have been through. If you have ever been to the men’s bathroom, you will know why shoes shouldn’t be worn indoors. What about that dog crap that you stepped on walking to school, or even that gum that stuck to your shoes while running outside? Asians have enough to worry about, and cleaning floors with shoe marks is not one of them.

2) Tradition: In many asian cultures, it is customary to take off one’s shoes upon entering a house or restaurant. Asian parents and elders will scold at you if they see shoes covering your feet in their households. Especially in Japan is this evident, where you will receive a pair of slippers upon entrance. They will also give you bathroom slippers to avoid those slippery puddles of urine. It’s a great idea if you really think about it.

3) Geography and Location: A great deal of Asian countries are located near the tropic of Cancer, which is very humid and temperate year round. The coldest day in Southern Vietnam during winter is one of the warmest days of the year in Southern California. Asians have had to cope with living in these humid and wet conditions without damaging the inners of their houses (don’t forget the foot odor). Over time, this has caused Asian people to develop horrible sweat regulation techniques, which results in foot odor. We must also remember that households for the longest time have had hardwood floors. Carpet has only grown in popularity over the last 30 years.
Now imagine an asian person walking into a white household. “Do I need to take my shoes off?” “Oh no.. it’s alright.” The asian person continues walking through the room, extremely cautious of their every step and being careful not to ruin the delicate folds in the carpet. They think about all the dirt and grime in the carpet, and suddenly, the walls start to close in, cornering the asian and intimidating them with its evil dirtiness. The asian person will recover and play along for a while, until they finally can’t take it anymore. “Can I go to the restroom?” “It’s around the corner” “Alright.” They take their shoes off in the restroom. “Gosh.. I’m so glad I’m asian.”

There you have it. Asians have an in-negligible right to take their shoes off. Asian people have worked so hard to be able to produce shoes for the world. Their pride and spirit will be crushed if those shoes ever touch their own carpets. Not wearing shoes indoors also preserves cleanliness (which in America is seen as close to Godliness), tradition, and serves as a testament to adaptations asians have made to their geographical dispositions. Must I say the next sentence? No, but I will: Asians like Not Wearing Shoes Indoors.

#15 Nintendo Wii

2008-03-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Posted February 24th, 2008 by Peter · 9 Comments
725 views

This post is being written while your two eloquent (lol) authors are standing in line in front of a local Target. It’s 5:30 AM, and there is a slight chance that we might not even be able to purchase a Wii. Sitting here is pretty boring, but it does give us some time to ponder the wonderful advances in technology that have been achieved by Asians. Among those, the brilliantly compact and simply designed Nintendo Wii.

NOTE: For those we met at Target buying the Wii, please be patient, as the video will probably be up by Monday or Tuesday. I personally thank you for helping with the production of, “How to Get a Wii”

What makes the Wii so appealing? Simple. It is the epitome of Asian ingenuity and form, combining both aesthetic and functionality. (excuse me for sounding like commercial). The Wii is how asians envision the future will be like. Things will be controlled wirelessly by motion sensors and motion tracking. The asian designers of the Wii are paving the road for tomorrow, where contact lenses will have computer displays built in and Apple Computers will become as thin as a piece of paper. The Wii has also allowed old people to play sports that they would never imagine being able to play at their advanced stage in life. Asian adults now actively participate in Bowling, Tennis, Baseball, Boxing, and other Wii Sports games. They are also rejuvenated by the sudden splurge of testosterone that eliminates need for Viagra. The Wii is not only a gaming console, it is a source of eternal youth.

The Wii is arguably the most popular game console of all time (discounting the Nintendo DS). By game console, I am referring to home console platforms. Asians love the Wii. Why would people line up at 5:30 to buy one? It is popular not only among the the younger asians, but even the decrepit 60 year olds. You have two wireless controllers. Throw in a sensor bar and motion tracking system, and you have yourself a Wii. There is something so attractive about the Wii. The way it looks. The way the slot loading dvd drive goes in and out. The way the Wii sounds at you when you turn it on. There are also the little things that make life so fun. Let’s not forget the Amazing graphics and game choice. Not to be forgotten: Super Smash Brothers Brawl! makes its debut very soon.

Asians make funny Miis of themselves to show their friends. They play mini-games with their friends and family on the Wii. They use the Wii to browse the internet and even watch Youtube. They do aerobics with the Wii (Wii Fit). They sleep with the Wii. They eat with the Wii controller. Parents spank their kids with the Wii controller while playing Wii Tennis if their kids beat them. The Wii is every Asian’s dream due to the multiple tasks that it can accomplish for such a low price. This plays upon the fact that Asians are very thrifty and need to buy things that will benefit them now and in the long run. The Wii has definitely come to play. Those are a few reasons that: Asians love the Wii. Apparently, old people do too…

#14 Honda Civic

2008-03-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Posted February 24th, 2008 by Peter · 5 Comments
1,319 views

“The Civic is Honda’s compact car, offered in sedan, coupe, and hatchback versions. First introduced as a small, inexpensive hatchback in 1972, the Civic has increased in size while continuing to offer excellent fuel economy. The 7th generation Civic arrived as a 2001 model and the Civic Si returned for 2002. The Civic Hybrid was added as a 2003 model and features gas-electric hybrid technology. The Civic is extremely loved by car enthusiasts — especially the Asian crowd for its ability to be modified, which is fully supported by Honda.” - Honda Civic Review

Right from the mouth of the Honda Corporation and its reviewers is something everyone already knows: The Honda Civic is an asian car. Why is it an asian car? “the ability to be modified, which is fully supported by Honda.” Asians love to stick out in a crowd of people. It is a hormonal deficiency lacking because of the uncanny resemblance every asian person has to the next closest asian person to them (unless that other asian person is in fact an Indian). That’s beside the point. Asians like to stick out. A recent post about pimped out cars caused many people to whistle and hoot about how it is so true. Asians know that the Civic is a modder’s dream car.

It is aerodynamic. It’s quick. It’s nimble. It’s swift like a butterfly, stings like a Chinese wasp. Click Here if you don’t believe me. Among other things, there is an incredible amount of luxury items that come standard in the Civic. (Remember: Asians love bargains) That is why the Civic, along with the Wii, are so attractive. The Civic not only looks good, but the price fits very well to a wide variety of asians from all woks of life. The Civic enables asians to be able to purchase a very nice looking vehicle to show off their neon shoe lighters and maxed out audio system. It is also an all-in-one package much like the Wii and Eagle Balm. The Civic has become popular to asians for many reasons. The exposure it has had from television shows and advertisements stating its economical gas use and fuel economy is also a huge factor. Who doesn’t have an asian friend with a Honda Civic?

“Take this pimped-out Civic in the famous auto show Pimp My Ride. Radical changes were made to make the asian owner happier.” Any car featured on Pimp My Ride is good enough for asians. “One of the features of pimped out cars are the wheels, tires and rims that go on the car.” This is so asians can make up for their obvious lack of natural appendages (arms and legs). “Big, excessive custom wheels with rims are part of pimped out cars.” Asians mod their cars so they can decorate something. Asians love to decorate things. When they are trying to appear masculine, the word becomes “mod.” Asians have reasons for everything. Pimping out Civics is so clearly evident that this post probably shouldn’t have been written. Here’s the verdict: Asians love the Honda Civic.

#13 Pimped Out Cars

2008-03-20T18:55:00.001-07:00

Posted February 23rd, 2008 by themachine · 4 Comments
1,700 views

Forget the over-sized American SUVs and the stylish European cars, Asians want automobiles that can display their personalities, allow for artistic expression, and most importantly, go fast. American and European cars do not offer this combination in a package as complete as Asian car manufacturers do. Toyota, Honda, and etc. have developed incredible cars that are affordable and effective. But Asians do not settle just for convenience and comfort, they must take it to the next level by upgrading and tweaking their babies.

Their efforts result in beautiful creations often referred to as Rice Rockets. With such colorful and descriptive nicknames, it’s only right that these cars attract all the eyes that see them pass by. Not to mention that they can dominate in any street race. For the haters who want proof, take a look at the Fast and Furious series. Movie critics have always lauded the series as the most realistic and accurate depiction of the underground culture of street car racing. The Asian drivers in these films always dominate the competition. Who says Asians can’t drive? This small group of Asians make the community proud by proving the noobs wrong. Stuff Asian People Like salutes all Rice Rocketers in the world who break stereotypes everyday with their dope, tricked out rides.

#12 Basketball

2008-03-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

Posted February 23rd, 2008 by Peter · 9 Comments
2,383 views

The recent influx of Chinese talent in the NBA (National Basketball Association) has caused quite a change in sports preference among asian people. Yao Ming and Yi Jianlian, no matter how awkward or big they are, have made names for themselves with the Houston Rockets and Milwaukee Bucks. Let’s not forget their long lost brother Wang Zhihi, who first played for an NBA franchise.

Due to these players, Asians everywhere have newfound hope in being able to succeed in things other than Pharmacy or Programming.

Try walking down to Mile Square Park one day, and it will be evident that the number of Asians has equaled or even outnumbered the amount of Hispanics or African Americans. Basketball, contrasting Manga, Anime, or Purikura, has made its way across the Atlantic and into the hearts of asian people everywhere. Nowhere is this more apparent than in China, where there are more people playing basketball (300,000,000) than the total United States population. If one takes a closer look at the “new breed” of asian, they are much taller than their predecessors. This is due partially to better nutrition and eating habits in the United States. Now try watching a lakers broadcast without seeing an Asian celebrity in the stands. Be it Bobby Lee, or Michelle Kwan, these stars have also spurred the Asian love of basketball.

Asians can not walk past a basketball hoop without trying to make a shot. The majority of Asians have horrible shots which result in horrible rebounds (or none at all). Some asians should never even step on a basketball court unless they have tripped on a ball and by chance fell onto the court. This does not stop asians from embracing the game that is now theirs. When a country has more people playing a sport the original inventor does, you know there has been a power shift. As the years go on, more and more asians will wind up on sports teams. They will outnumber the usual jocks in sports that require endurance and quickness. It is just the truth that is happening in schools nationwide. Tennis, basketball, track, wrestling… “Asians were built for quickness because they have had to run away from communism for so long.” -Some Asian Guy

However, there will always be the sedentary and more classical breed of asian. This is not a problem. Basketball is the wave of the future, however, and as more NBA talent comes from overseas, the number of asian kids wearing Kobe Bryant and T-Mac Jerseys trash-talking and throwing balls “off the heezy” will likewise rise. These Asians will grow up and teach their children the love of basketball, and they in turn will teach theirs. It’s the circle of life.

Check out Yao Ming and Yi Jianlan’s player profiles. They are shining beacons for Asians, causing this writer to believe that: ASIANS LOVE BASKETBALL.
Source: nba.com

#11 Eagle & Tiger Balm

2008-03-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

Posted February 21st, 2008 by Peter · 17 Comments
975 views

That Guy // Feb 20, 2008 at 1:41 pm:
oh yeah, and at least one bottle of that chinese eagle oil stuff that smells like Ben Gay.

Eagle and Tiger balm. I said eagle and Tiger balm. What is this magical substance that is the asian equivalent to Icy Hot or Ben Gay? According to the Eagle Balm Home Page:

“The Chinese Emperors’ physicians may have discovered the Eagle Balm formulation in China a long time ago. However, the formulation that is known in the world today as Eagle Balm is due to the work of one man, a Chinese herbalist named Aw Chu Kin who lived in Rangoon. Aw studied the different types of effective remedy to best treat his patients. In the process, he discovered that the blending of various active ingredients, such as camphor, clove and menthol, was effective in relieving pain.”

What is so special about eagle balm? Is it actually a one-for-all cure for every ailment? If you have never been to an asian household, you will never know the true power of Eagle Balm:

“I think I have a cold…” “Get the Eagle Balm”
“I think I have a fever…” “Get the Eagle Balm!”
“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow…” “Didn’t I tell you to get the Eagle Balm!?!?”

Asian people know the true power of eagle balm. They inherited the secret from their parents, who in turn learned it from their parents. This has been going on for hundreds of years. It is a family tradition. The truth behind the strength of Eagle Balm is the placebo effect. For example, people given non-alcoholic beer will still act like idiots at the end of the day even though they are not intoxicated. “If it burns, it works,” and “No pain, no gain” are some American idioms that come to mind when referring to Eagle Balm. If asians believe that they are being healed by an ointment, they in fact are. It’s the truth. Remember the next time you have an ailment to buy yourself box of Eagle Balm. Click Here to learn more about Tiger Balm.

#10 Boba

2008-03-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Posted February 20th, 2008 by Peter · 13 Comments
910 views

Imagine going to a strange “tea” shop with your friends. You ask for a glass of “milk tea.” You proceed to sit down. Holding the glass of milk tea up to your mouth, you start to drink the strange and asian substance until all of a sudden, a group of twenty-two black rubbery spheres rush into your mouth!!! You chew the substance and grow fond of it. This is what would happen to a non-asian person upon discovering boba.

It’s very simple. All Asians love boba! It has risen out of the depths of obscurity and made its way to now rival even the evil power of Starbucks. It also comes in a variety of flavors and is included in a myriad of drinks. Whether it be from Lollicup, Tastea, What a Boba… It still has the same chewy and nougaty goodness. It’s placed at the bottom of the cup. You drink it with a novelty large straw. What else could you want? However, many people have a gripe with boba:

1) Choking Hazard: What isn’t a choking hazard nowadays? That key you are typing on could potentially pop out, make its way down your throat and choke you. Must starbucks cups actually have a disclaimer to proclaim their “hotness?” I don’t like how people are trying to exploit every type of business in order to win a couple of extra bucks.

2) It’s only for Kids: Are video game consoles only for children? Are flag football, volleyball, and basketball leagues only for kids? People who say things are for children need to grow up. Think about it.

3) It Tastes Weird: Asians eat dog, deer, frogs, oysters, and other exotic animals. How can someone say that boba tastes weird? If you think boba is weird, you are weird. Try one of the million exotic dishes from asian countries before saying this.

Boba is a phenomenon. Like manga and anime, it has made its way across the Atlantic and into shopping malls all around the United States. Asians all know that boba is an aphrodisiac, re-energizing asians after a hard day of work, or after a hard fought game of basketball. Asians also know that they are never lost when there is a boba shop around. Along with offering the same assortment of delectable drinks everwhere, wi-fi, board games, and entertainment, Boba shops also represent familiarity. If you don’t know where to go, you know now. For a list of the best boba shops, click here.

#9 Asian Comedians

2008-03-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

Posted February 20th, 2008 by Dr. Chan · 12 Comments

910 views

Asian people love comedy. Why wouldn’t they love an Asian Comedian? Even if they don’t know them personally, they will always spread the word about other popular and comical asian people. For instance, The winner of the original “Last Comic Standing”, Dat Phan, is known to have received most of his votes from the Asian community. Another famous asian comedian that has made it to the big screen is Bobby lee, who currently stars on MadTV and in the 2007 Blockbuster Movie, “Kickin’ it Old Skool.”

They always have asian support because asians can actually relate to them. Yes, they are somewhat ridiculous or flippant, but sure are funny. Asians make their friends watch corny asian comedies on Youtube. If you haven’t seen them, you’re missing out. There are quite a few people who owe their fame and fortune to Youtube. (just for posting their funny videos) Here are a few of our favorites (Viewer Discretion Advised)

Uncle Same Gets Jacked
How to Be Emo

Russell Peters China Man

Russell Peters Chinese People

Bobby Lee 24 w/ John Cena

#8 Karaoke

2008-03-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

Posted February 19th, 2008 by themachine · 11 Comments
1,774 views

When they are not playing Counter-Strike, studying, or studying, Asians like to wind down and take off some stress with some good old fashion karaoke. Karaoke is popular in the Asian community for one reason: it’s a great way to enhance the Asian flush (a term used to describe an Asian’s generally low tolerance for alcohol.) In combination with cheap alcohol, cheesy pop songs, off key singing, and uncontrollable pelvic thrusts, karaoke becomes an extremely fun event for the Asian singer(s) and the surrounding listeners. The singer(s) have the opportunity to unleash their inner Rain while simultaneously busting out moves that James Brown (R.I.P.) would be jealous of. The listeners get to enjoy the painful yet “entertaining” comedy that ensues. This social phenomenon has been studied by Harvard psychologists and has been labeled as the William Hung Effect. An excerpt of the study results is listed below:

“Through the random sampling of individuals that were confirmed to be of Asian descent through extensive blood and DNA testing, a comparative experiment concluded that the amalgam of an Asian’s low level of alcohol tolerance, bargained liquor, and a karaoke machine is the epitome of fun in the Asian culture.” - Harvard University’s “The William Hung Effect”

#7 Anime

2008-03-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

Posted February 19th, 2008 by Peter · 6 Comments
1,159 views

You asked for it, and we delivered. This is a post all about Japan and Anime.

Naruto, Rurouni Kenshin, Fullmetal Alchemist, the list goes on… All asians have a confession to make. I know.. it may be difficult, but:

WE LOVE ANIME! It is part of the asian culture. We embrace it. The multi-billion dollar industry has stretched from the minuscule islands of Japan all the way to the comic book shops of Europe, Asia, and the Americas. However, there are many types of anime lovers: those who try to be asian, and those who are full-blooded asians. Being white doesn’t make someone conservative. Being African American doesn’t make someone a professional basketball player. Likewise, being an anime lover does not automatically make you asian.

Here are the 3 main nuisances in the anime community:

1) Those who think that Anime is all Japan has to offer. Let’s get this straight. Japan has other things to offer? What about that Tiny MP3 Player with 40gb of storage. What about that cell phone that works all around the world or housemaid robot? What about those thousand-dollar DLP televisions, fuel-efficient cars, and electronics we could never dream of in our wildest imaginations? Let’s get one point across. Anime is not the only Japanese product.

2) Those who try to become Japanese. Asians are very envious of the Japanese race. They love the fact that it has progressed so immensely over the past hundred years. They love the fact that it is isolated from the communist corruption in China and Southeastern Asia. However, take a second to ponder your roots. If you are not asian, do not try to be asian just because you don’t fit in. Don’t say that you are going to become as “Japanese” as possible, and plan to move to Japan to escape the “freak moniker” because chances are, if you move to Japan to buy all the anime and manga you want, you will be considered a freak not only by the Japanese, but by people you know. Leave the “being asian” to the asians, and quit saying things like: “baka” and “sugoi“.

3) Those who think that reading Anime makes them know everything about Japan. This is the largest pet peeve. Now we all know that forlorn kid that sits in class reading their manga like they own it. They take the Japanese classes and are able to understand the language to the capacity-level of a 5 year old. What’s the point? They aren’t asian. Asians are asian. “they’ll translate idioms literally - like ‘kanazuchi’, meaning ‘bad swimmer’, they’ll call ‘iron hammer’, the literal translation. So you get nonsensical sentences like “Oh that girl, she’s an iron hammer”. They’ll also translate false cognates incorrectly - like ’saabisu’ usually means ‘free’, not ’service’. Anyway, everybody makes mistakes, but when these people make mistakes, their mistakes get taken as truth by hordes of other Japanophiles.” -Bitter Asian Men

There is a wonderful anime fanbase and following. There is also a not so pleasant sect. To avoid being “lumped” in with those crowds, some asians pretend not to like anime. These asians normally go home to youtube their favorite episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist, Gundam, Dragonball, or Doraemon. You’ll never know. It’s an asian secret. To see a list of popular anime series: click here.

#6 Korean Soap Operas

2008-03-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Posted February 18th, 2008 by Peter · 10 Comments
1,361 views

“My Sassy Girl”
“2 Ton Beauty”
“Kick the Moon”
“My Wife is a Gangster”

If you ask any asian person, they will tell you that they have either seen or heard of at least one of these movies. With over 10,852,845 views in the world, My Sassy Girl is arguably the most popular Korean film worldwide. Why is this? How does a Korean film make its way across the Atlantic Ocean and into homes around the world? The same way that globalization has made Harry Potter Series the third most popular movie series in Korea.

Asians like other asians. They will never tell it to you though. They don’t care who made it or what race they are. All they care about is the fact that it is in fact an Asian product. Michelle Kwan, an American born figure skater. However, she is loved by millions of Asians around the world because she is in fact an Asian product. Asians have created a special system of work allocation. The Chinese are responsible for crappy products and martial arts action films. Koreans have cornered the market on cell phones, televisions, and heart-warming dramas. The Japanese pretty much own the world of tomorrow with their fuel-efficient cars and tiny gizmos. The others (Vietnamese) are responsible for manufacturing clothes and shoes.

Knowing this, the next time you need a good or product, ask your racially enabled friends. They are naturally experts, and are able to tell you about their country’s product(s). Need a phone? Need clothes or shoes? Ask about any asian. However, if you need a 3 hour long “heart-throbbingly” good movie to get your mind off of your problems, simply say, “My Sassy Girl” in a crowd of Asians, and a they will all offer you their copy.

#5 Bargains

2008-03-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

Posted February 17th, 2008 by Peter · 6 Comments
1,433 views

Asian people are very clever. When asians walk into asian shops, they know what they want and the price that they are willing to pay. Asians proceed to barter and bargain until their price is met. However, the shop owner, more times than none, has probably seen the same routine several times that same day. It is the shop owners job to hike up the prices so that non-asian people can be deceived. This is how the shop owner makes their “profit“. Asians know that when something says 20 dollars, it actually means 3 or 4. It’s a secret asian law.

After the asian completes their bargain, it is only necessary and proper, as a friend or coworker to complement them. Asians like bragging about how much money they saved, even if it is only 1 or 2 dollars. It shows how mentally adept and thrifty they are. They are maximizing utility and marginal costs at all times. Due to this, you should know that presents asians give are never the price the box says. Chances are, the “for sale” price tag has been removed to enforce the Asian’s wealth and prosperity.

Disclaimer: Beware! Bartering is not for everyone. Asians know better than to bargain at Walmart or Target. It is only safe to barter at flea markets and small asian shops in China Town. However, it can be very humorous to try.

#4 Bowl Haircuts

2008-03-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

Posted February 16th, 2008 by themachine · 9 Comments
1,929 views

Formerly worn by the Beatles and Moe Howard of the Three Stooges, the bowl haircut is symbolic of musical greatness and comedic genius. As a result, it’s only natural that this beautiful styling of the hair graces the heads of the world’s greatest and largest race, Asians. Currently, the bowl haircut represents two things. First, it shows non-Asian people that they are still connected to their roots, AKA the third world countries where people can’t afford food, housing, or Playstation 3s. The bowl cut is a reminder of the hard times and is intended to keep the prosperous Asian community in the United States grounded and true to their real identity. Secondly, it’s a proverbial middle finger to all of the other races. The bowl haircut accentuates the intelligence, confidence, and athleticism that all Asian people possess. Outsiders will see the bowl haircut and will become filled with self hatred and depression due to their lack of superiority. But don’t worry my non-Asian friends; you too can achieve the bowl haircut. I’ve included instructions below:

Step 1: Get a bowl that fits the unique shape of your inferior heads. This step is the most difficult.

Step 2: When you finally find the right bowl, place it on top of your head.

Step 3: Take scissors and proceed to cut the hair around the edge of the bowl.

Step 4: When you inevitably mess up, go to an Asian salon to get it done right.

Step 5: Congratulations! You are less inferior than you were before!

#3 Academics

2008-03-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

Posted February 15th, 2008 by Peter · 7 Comments
1,103 views

Asian kids are always pressured to do well in School. This means not only doing better than their Asian peers, but kids twice their age. All asian kids will do one of the following: 1) Play an instrument: Be it piano, guitar, or violin (strongly preferred). 2) Study math at an accelerated rate: Asian kids are supposed to take Calculus as middle schoolers. It’s their right! 3) Participate in extracurricular activities: “I heard that Jamar was president of Key Club, Student Alliance, Future Doctors of America! You lead a club and you too will make me proud!”

Things like this obviously leave no time for asian kids to be normal. There is little time for sleep, let alone hang out. “Dating isn’t mentioned in the Asian household, and girls only come up as a topic of discussion if they’re horrifically smart and if your parents want to compare you to them. If dating is allowed, of course, the girlfriend must be Asian and must be smart.” -Bitter Asian Men

When all is said and done, however, Asian kids do succeed. They become dentists, pharmacists, doctors. Most importantly, all those inherited traits are paid back to their parents in the form of a nice home and high salary that they can brag about to their salon friends. Asians never put their parents into nursing homes due to the fact that they inherit all their brains from their parents and grandparents. To simply state it: They love their parents a lot. Why wouldn’t they? If you wish you could do the Asian thing, click here.

#2 Purikura Photos

2008-03-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

Posted February 14th, 2008 by Peter · 2 Comments
1,255 views

Purikura? Purikura is a term of Japanese origin meaning either a photo sticker booth or the product of such a photo booth. Now what is so appealing about taking pictures in a booth? Why not go outside with your friends? There is a mystique, ambiance, magical feel that an Asian receives from using a touch screen to decorate their own pictures. It’s fun adding a flower or star to their best friend’s face. Asians spend hours decorating their pictures, and then they are printed and stuck onto things.

Why else take photo booth pictures? Anonymity. You can get away with anything in a photo booth. No body knows what’s happening. It’s a babe magnet. If you care that much about your looks that you would spend hours adding effects, why wouldn’t an equally image-conscience person want to spend time with you? It’s a win win situation.

However, most Asian people will never lie about wanting to be Japanese. Who wouldn’t want to be able to read a good manga in its purest form. (Though the syntax is quite different) Did I mention that Asian people love to watch Japanese cartoons? This plays on the fact that Asian people love Japan! How much more Japanese is Purikura!?

“If you find yourself in an awkward silence with white people, just mention how you want to go to Japan. They will immediately begin talking about how their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them. This is useful as you no longer have to talk, and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves. ” -Stuff White People Like

If you ever hang out with asian people, this is not an entirely new topic. Asians love to take pictures with their friends. It is evident in the elders and younger generations. At a restaurant, you will always first hear “3, 2, 1…” from asians. The sentimentality of the moment is too important to outweigh the obvious. (eating one’s food). To asians, pictures may mean even more than a thousand words. They connect people, and hold so many secrets. Remember the next time you see a photo booth to enter it. You too can experience Purikura!

#1 Cute Plush Toys

2008-03-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

Posted February 14th, 2008 by Peter · 6 Comments
1,239 views

When was the last time you saw this? Asian people are constantly looking for plush toys to give to their friends or to collect for themselves (No matter how much they hate to admit it). These little fluffy animals, highly overpriced but ever so cute, are at the center of every relationship. This is due to the obvious asian affinity for Sanrio characters like Hello Kitty and Batz Maru.

Asians love Sanrio, because it is in fact an asian product. The animals Sanrio uses are also very highly respected animals in Asian culture. How, you ask? Asian see frogs as symbols of good luck and prosperity. Cats are said to be keepers of the house, and are highly revered in Asian households for their ability to eat insects and rodents. The penguin is a symbol of coolness, and with sun-glasses, who wouldn’t say that Batz Maru is the coolest penguin in the world? Pekkle is a duck, which is seen as an endless source of food for many asian countries. Sanrio has definitely thought out its choice of animals very well. They have a franchise that no longer only appeals to females, but to a very wide male demographic. As one male commenter said, “my pekkle pencil box was like a secret mystery box” back in the 3rd grade. Apparently, your writers are not the only ones to agree that girls are the only people that can enjoy Sanrio products. Click Here to find out why.

One thing’s for sure, who wouldn’t want to receive one? Do not be surprised to see a teenage boy walking through the nearest Sanrio shop, scouring the shelves for a pack of trading cards. The truth is that deep down inside, he would rather have that Keroppi or Batz Maru pencil box than the newest pack of Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon cards. It’s the truth.

We are very sorry!!!!

2008-03-20T17:36:00.001-07:00

Our site is receiving way too many server requests, and just like our predecessors had to switch to a temporary host, we will too. We will still post every day though. (Rest Assured) Just think of it like we never moved!

I’m getting a new server set up, so if you would like to donate, please email me at asianslike@gmail.com

Sincerely Sorry,
Peter Nguyen.

Stuff Asian People Like

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Posted February 15th, 2008 by Peter · 7 Comments1,103 views

#2 Purikura Photos

#1 Cute Plush Toys

We are very sorry!!!!

Posted February 15th, 2008 by Peter · 7 Comments
1,103 views