#28 Hoarding

Posted March 8th, 2008 by Peter · 6 Comments

Now that the little intermission is over:
let’s get back to the nitty gritty
asian stuff.

hoard (hôrd, hōrd) Pronunciation Key
n. A hidden fund or supply stored for future use; a cache.

  1. To accumulate a hoard of.
  2. To keep hidden or private.

Do you ever wonder why asians have such large pockets or purses after leaving restaurants? No, It’s not because they’ve been getting paid to eat and it’s definitely not because they’ve been stealing tip money from other tables (even though they hardly ever tip correctly, but let’s save that for a later post). It’s a dirty little habit that has played itself over time and time again since the invention of disposable items.

Asians, pack rats, and socially deprived mental patients have one thing in common, hoarding. PackRatThe act may seem frivolously harmless, but there comes a time when the act becomes so something far greater. Asians have made it a way of life. When asians see paper or plastic grocery bags, they see trash bags. They see discarded Carl’s Jr.’s cups as potential cups for their babies. Asians are the purest form of entrepreneurs because they do not merely see the present use of items, but the future potential they made hold.

Though the Asian hoarding of goods is not classified as “compulsive hoarding,” it still ranks pretty high (behind the packrat but before the fox). That is because OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is not even classified as a mental disorder in asian countries. Asian women are expected to keep the house clean, especially during the New Years season, where a dirty house could bring another year of bad luck. Since products are not so readily available in communist countries, these people are left out to dry. After immigrating to lavishly adorned Americas, this habit causes these over-stressed housewives to collect as many cleaning tools as possible, whenever possible. Hence, these women are forced to compete by any means with others for the cleanest house in order to make their cameos on the next episode of “Design on a Dime” on HGTV.

Other asians hoard due to something we all know so well about: Perfectionism. These asians are always aware of free objects due to their unrelenting thoughts about not having enough necessities. For example, asians that hoard paper towels, napkins, and even toilet paper all have the fear that they could wind up stranded in the middle of the desert one day with no help coming and a peculiar urge to take a crap. These people, men and women alike, can be found with a stash of napkins in their cars of purses from restaurants ranging from Black Angus to Pho 54. The same fear occurs with the asian need to keep their hair clean. That is why asians will have piles of shampoo and soap from hotels they have stayed at. These asians hoard in order to make sure that they will be perfect and ready in all situations.

And still, as if the previous two were not enough, there is a final reason for hoarding: Sentimentality. Asians have only recently immigrated to other countries. photosDue to their short tenure (about 120 years), they are forced to respect the people and the countries that they are now citizens of. The hoarding of historic items is very much apparent because it allows asians to feel more in touch with their new homelands. The sentimentality and history behind an object intrigues these types of asians. That is why these asians will collect memorabilia from the 1970’s, wrapping paper from the 90’s, or pictures of famous people that they will never meet. Where others see these pictures as momentos of certain events, asians become quite attached to them. Asians may cherish their relatives and family so much that they will hoard pictures of them whenever opportunities may arise. This leaves them with piles upon piles of so called “memories” that can never be bought back (even though their family members are the click of an email away).

According to the Oprah Winfrey Show:
“All of us get attached to things some of the time. We have things that remind us of people we love, or they remind us of happy times. But for people with hoarding problems, the attachment to objects becomes very intense—sometimes more intense than the attachment to actual people…”

Asians hoard like pack rats in order to suppress their innate obsessive compulsive disorder, satisfy their need for perfection, and to cherish their new homes and loved ones. They will even duke it out over the last napkin in the “Super China Buffet” dispenser. Asians always have reasons for doing things. This is why: Asians Love Hoarding.

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