Posted March 12th, 2008 by Peter · No Comments
“My Mom always talks too loud on the cellphone when we are on the car!” -thaimychu
At first glance, asians are very shy and docile. When you get to know an asian, they are still very reserved and well-composed. Dig deeper, however, and you will find that asians are very loud (contrary to common belief). Experiencing this takes an activating event to trigger the “other side” of the average asian person. This other side is rarely seen unless you spend a LOT of time with them. Asian people speak loudly mostly because of:
Adversity: For example, the average asian man or woman looks very peaceful in their natural habitat. It is adversity that causes them to evolve into creatures only mentioned in legends and books such as Beowulf. This includes getting cut off, early project deadlines at work, or even learning that their child got an A- on their “mast” test. This whole other personality is marked by rudeness, frankness, and most annoying, speaking loudly.
Asians speak loudly to show that they are stressed out: “Then how are they different from other people?” They have the ability to express it in many ways. An asian person might throw in curses from their own language to demonstrate how stressed out they are. They won’t stop there. They might even add curses from their friends’ languages and even start cursing in asian-sounding languages that they don’t even know! But you don’t know that.
Asians do not only speak loudly when agitated. This is also seen when asians are speaking on their cellphones. When was the last time you saw an asian woman on her cellphone chewing out the person on the other line? The fact of the matter is that she was probably calling her son to ask if he wanted rice or rice for dinner (not a typo). Asians will never call frivolously due to fear of racking up overage charges. The content of their phone calls is usually very important due to this, so they cannot be ignored. Asians love to be heard. They will not tolerate having any part of their conversations cut short.
In addition, older asians do not understand the “wireless” aspect of phones. They believe that even though cellphones are far away from their receiving stations, there is still an invisible cord that loses its fidelity the further they get away from home. Likewise, Asians will speak increasingly louder in order to reach their desired receivers. This is why asians will speak louder in public places. The walls and ceiling cause them to panic about having to call again (higher phone bills). They in turn raise their internal volume in order to be heard by the other person much like a baby deprived of attention calls for its mama.
When younger asian women are in public places, another problem arises:
According to Stuff White People Like, White people have an “Asian Fetish.” “Do you want to go out with me?” says a white man. “Heck no!” (But this will give away that the asian knows English). Why not start yelling in other asian languages to start a scene? 
That’s the case when an asian person attends a multicultural event that other asians are also attending. When other asians hear loud yelling in “Asian,” they raise their non-existent eyebrows and immediately offer their help in order to keep the status quo (National Treasure reference). This help comes in the form of, “Are you trying to take advantage of this foreign exchange student?” or “She’s with me.” Asians obviously have a great amount of response flexibility due to the obliviousness of the offenders. This tactic scares away the “predator” and allows the asian to enjoy the rest of their night.
Asians often masquerade as being shy (save for later topic) in their native countries. In the United States, where the shackles of communism are lifted, they are allowed to express their opinions and feelings in any way they choose. This rightfully includes speaking loudly when they are in trouble, when they are on their cell phones, when they are in awkward situations, or with their academically mal-performing children. For these reasons and more, forget the megaphones! Asians like Speaking Loudly.