#39 Glasses

March 20, 2008 · No Comments
Posted March 19th, 2008 by sy88 · 6 Comments

Yes, that suspicion you had was true: Asians are nerds. Asians also squint a lot (That’s why they have slanted eyes). Combine those 3 common characteristics: nerdy, squinty, slanty; and you have the reason that so many asians wear glasses (including yours truly).

Okay, okay… so not all Asians are short-sighted or far-sighted, and one could argue that quite a few Asians try to hide or amend their shortcomings with fashion-savvy alternatives to vision correction such as contact lenses or laser eye surgery. But let’s face it: Asians are not the most fashion-savvy people in the world. The concept of fashion trends was created by the white man, namely the French. Asians believe their duty as Asians is to be non-conformist when it comes to contact lenses and buck the trend towards laser eye surgery. Therefore, the only logical solutions are glasses or spectacles.

Asians remember a more innocent time: When their mothers told them off for sitting too close to the television. Or perhaps it was from playing too many computer games. I mean, just look at Post #15, god knows Asians love their video games. Regardless, Asian parents constantly warn their children that all those colorful, flashing images jumping around inches from their eyeballs will mess up their future vision capabilities. Asian parents’ teachings are always vindicated at the onset of puberty.

It’s been scientifically proven that glasses lower attractiveness level tenfold (Asian males are a living testament to this). Yes, glasses allow Asians to pursue their love of #3 – academia more successfully, but that darn accessory immediately decreases an Asian male’s attractiveness to the other sex. (Yes white women, I’m looking your way). But asian ladies fear not: glasses merely give them that ‘sexy librarian’ look (or at least the Asian equivalent). As the guys on ‘Stuff White People Like’ can attest to (as per #12 on that list), asians will always appear attractive to white guys, so at least they always have that! So in effect, glasses are a hindrance to one Asian gender, but a benefit to the other. (Gender equality, you gotta love it!)

What it all boils down to in the end is genetics. Those slanty Asian eyes don’t quite operate as they should. That’s why Asians love anime: Characters usually have mesmerizing, huge, and doughy eyes. It’s an Asian desire to have eyes comparable to their beloved anime characters. As this dream cannot be realized in real life (not even by plastic surgery *michael jackson*), asians have to live with the reality of their eyes. Mother Nature doesn’t, unfortunately, favor asians.

So, to the Asian guys and girls who proudly don chunks of rim and metal around their eyes, I pose these questions:

Guys, do you wanna end up looking like this glasses-wearing man?

(Dalai Lama)

Girls, do you want to follow in the footsteps of this groovy spec-eyed chick?

(Yoko Ono)

Whatever the choice, you can satisfy yourself with the fact that you’ll either be able to reach spiritual enlightenment or marry a white guy that will revolutionize music. That is, if you’re an Asian that wears glasses

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